Life of secrets
2023-05-22 07:03:59 (UTC)


I want to buy a manifestation book. I feel like it would help.

Everyone tells me to manifest. MANIFEST IT TO REALITY. I mean…. I did. For a long time. I did meditations. I sat and chanted, I’m pregnant IM PREGNANT. And played out telling people. It’s a girl. It’s a BOY. I don’t care what it is, it’s a baby! I held negative pregnancy tests, and imaged them being positive and the feelings I’d feel, gushing at this urine soaked stick that deep down disappointed me. And I still get my period. Every time. So I’m kind of like… tired of manifesting, you know? The disappointment hits different.

Seems R did have a kid with this girl. Some readers say no but a good friend of mine who is a psychic thinks it’s true. And another pendulum reader on TikTok who I’ve come to know quite well and seems pretty accurate, says it’s true too. I know the girl is mental but I don’t think she’s made up a child. Despite there being no evidence of it on social media or WhatsApp, but perhaps they’re both hiding it from family. Who knows.

Blimey. Even R had a kid before me.

Ok fine it’s with a psycho woman and he literally couldn’t have picked anyone worse to have a kid with. But even HE had a kid….

I’d like to think that we will get the mortgage offer this week but I don’t think we will. I’ve tried manifesting that too. Playing out having conversations “we got the house!” “We got the offer!” GUSH, GUSH!!
Still doesn’t happen.

And then I feel bad. Maybe it would happen if i continued to manifest it? Despite sitting there on my period, still waiting for the offer.

Waiting waiting. Everything involves waiting.

I’m very tired. Both mentally and physically today. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. First night in a long time I couldn’t get to sleep… to the point where I don’t know if I’ve slept. I was meant to go into the office but my manager messaged me this morning and was like, no. So I was like, no, too.

Now I’m sitting on my sofa in my living room, waiting for my husband to wake up so I can feed his beliefs that I never go into the office. He’s dead jealous that I don’t have to get up and go every morning. But you know what? I worked hard to get to where I am. The years he wasn’t working, I was driving 2 hours to work and back every day. And then travelling to see him because he had no money and no working car and it always makes me wonder, out of every single man I knew, how I chose him.
I had the shitty jobs. I worked the shitty hours. I worked for peanuts, many times too. But now I’m at a point where it was all worth it because I’ve got my well paid job, where I can go into the office as I please or I can work from home as I please and it’s flexible and lovely and to be honest, he should be grateful that I’m at home so that he comes home to a tidy house, washed clothes and a healthy meal every day. But does he appreciate it? Probably not. Who knows. I think he’d just be happier if I was going into work like him every morning.