Life of secrets
My mind is constantly racing lately. I constantly go over religion, life, not having babies, whatever is holding us up getting the house, my marriage, my whole future, now this girl that still has this issue with me just for, I suppose, existing.
The religion thing is a big one for me. Because of religion, I feel like I’ve got a limited time on earth. And I know we all have, technically. But I mean a REALLY limited time. Like, Armageddon could come next week. Or next year. I won’t even reach 40. And because nothing is moving in my life right now, I’m panicked and screaming inside I DONT HAVE TIME TO WAIT. I want to experience being a mum. I want to experience having a home. A real home, not a rented one that I can’t make my own. I want to be able to go on holidays. Although to be honest, it’s him stopping that, not religion. But the lack of time I believe I have doesn’t help.
Sigh. Big sigh.
There is this osteopath doctor who has helped many women get pregnant. My mum sees him for other reasons and she spoke to him about me - he has agreed to see me. I suppose he wouldn’t say no and I suppose it’s just something else I’ve not tried. He has a long waiting list, but I’ve got an appointment on the 16th June. The day after my anniversary. I wanted to go away, but now I’m not so sure - I want to get pregnant more. And to be honest we can’t really afford to go away right now anyway.
My friend, S (the one that annoys me), she told me she’s got clinical depression. She just sort of diagnosed herself. But since then, she’s done walks for cancer, she’s plastered all over social media about her anniversary to her husband who she tells me she’s not happy with and even meets up with a kisses other men, saying how much she loves him and you’d read it thinking they’re the happiest couple, and she just bought a shop.
Now I don’t know…. I could be wrong…. But isn’t clinical depression when you can’t even get out of bed? Or when you can, you’re pretty much lacking the motivation to do a lot? Doesn’t seem to me like she has depression. Doesn’t even seem like she’s sad. I mean shortly after she told me about her clinical depression, she sent me a video of herself dancing at a party.
I have actually been depressed lately and I don’t do much, at all. Some days I don’t even get dressed, I’m just in bed. I take my laptop and I sit in bed watching mind numbing shit on my phone. I don’t see anyone. And my social media doesn’t portray anything different. It doesn’t portray anything at all. Apart from Frank, who has helped me more than he knows, my little hamster friend.
She has constantly told me that she doesn’t have any friends, but I saw a post up on her social media yesterday with a picture of a bunch of flowers and it said “I have the best friends”
What annoys me the most about all of this is that I am honest with her about what’s going on in my life, and I will be honest about my struggles or my mental health or my marriage and I expect her to be the same with me. But she’s lying. And I absolutely hate when I’ve been vulnerable and the other person is just full of shit.
I hate that.