Amber's ramblings
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2023-05-16 23:32:57 (UTC)


Had a bit of a lay in this morning. Instead of 5.30 I woke up at 5.40. I was supposed to have an eye test today. They sent me a text to say they had to cancel it. Unforseen circumstances they said. So I'm goin on Thursday now. Unforseen circumstances what even is that. No information at all.

I had my appointment with the psychiatrist this afternoon. She wasn't even there she did the whole thing via video link. What if they had lost the signal. No offer of sleeping tablets. Put up 2 of my medication I think I'm on the highest dose of the other one. I'm so glad mum was there. She didn't let go of my hand and spoke up. It was hard when the psychiatrist asked me about suicidal thoughts. I didn't want mum to know how low I'd been feeling lately. I mean I think she knows but I didn't want to say it. We talked about the last time I self harmed and I said it's coming up for 2 years. I told mum about it afterwards because I felt like I needed to explain. Like she deserves an explanation because she has been there with me every step of the way. Mum knows I've come close a few times. To the point where ice been standing in the shop with razor blades in my hand fighting the urge to buy them. And trying to ignore the voices in my head that are telling me to buy them. And all I could think about then was mum and how disappointed she would be. I'm terrified of disappointing her. It's the only thing that really scares me now. I would rather she got angry and shouted at me than tell me she's disappointed. I have to stop thinking like that because mum would never do either.

I couldn't tell her about the other personalities I had the opportunity but I knew if I mentioned them that would be it. I wouldn't be coming home. And mum let it be my decision even though it should have been talked about. She understood why I couldn't. We sat in the car park for a while she pulled me into her arms and wouldn't let go. It was so nice. I was so relaxed I could have fallen asleep there. So I suggested coffee. To be honest I wasn't feeling like I wanted to go home. So we went to Costa and sat drinking it in the car park watching the traffic for by. Talking about random things. Some good memories some not so good. I loved sitting there chatting. We were so relaxed we talked about school and other stuff. She didn't rush me or make me feel like she was bored. I told her she was the best mum in the world. And I really appreciate everything she has done and is doing.

I collected my medication and we chatted for a bit. I was ok. I'm still pretty tired though so I'm hoping to sleep better tonight.

When I got back from mum me and Linda took her daughter out for dinner. I say dinner. We were supposed to be getting chips. But when we got there it was busy and her daughter couldn't be bothered to wait so we went to Subway instead. We came home and lit the fire pit and had some good conversations. We talked about how me and him planned on having a baby. And how we argued over the name. I have had my baby boys name picked out since I was 13. But he said it was an insult to him so I changed it for him. And he chose the girls name as well. Which was ok because I loved the suggestion. Anyway obviously it didn't happen so the argument was pointless.

It's 12.30 so I should get some sleep. Or at least try.