rotten

cha cha cha

what a weekend, damn! i'll write all about it once i've finished my duolingo lesson, actually... only 15 minutes to go, damn it. i managed to stay in the same league last week, which is a miracle - i've been so damn lazy with my duolingo. i still love spanish tho, it's so easy. my spanish has bypassed my swedish a long time ago now. ok back to the weekend: i didn't sleep thu-fri. at all. friday morning was a complete nightmare too; the apartment was hot as hell, i kept dropping things, my bathroom's light started blinking violently, i got a panic attack aaand forgot to take my meds. which resulted in me being pissed and bummed when i arrived at the paja. at first i took some time to myself, sat in the sea themed room making lists about things to pack and do before leaving the house later that day; the day took a turn for the better when i helped sa with her art exhibition piece. she's been taking pictures from the same exact spot on the same exact day for the past TEN years (!!) and now they're getting displayed. we used double-sided tape and a ruler to try and glue them down as neatly as possible - but the pictures weren't all the same size, so i was irked af (i didn't tell sa that) buuut it ended up looking great. as it should, as it sure took us long enough.

then we - who would've believed - played some yatzy in the salon. when the day turned to afternoon, me having skipped my meds plus having been awake for three days started to show. actually i can't even remember a time when i had been *that* restless, motorically. especially not in such a "public" setting; surrounded by people i'm not that familiar with. that one new dude kept giving me the irritated side-eye and i did not appreciate it. jes, the sweetest man alive, looked empathetic, and others i think were just doing their best to ignore it. now, saying i couldn't stay still would be a major understatement. i kept shaking my legs, tapping my thighs, clicking my tongue, drumming the couch, and oh god what all else. there was SO much movement and so much noise, all. the. fucking. time. for the last hour or so *insert skull emoji here*. i don't think i could've handled being in the same space with myself at that time, it would've been very triggering and also hella annoying. for someone as weird as me i surely do judge others, and get suuuper irritated when others do the same shit it do myself. thank britney i don't have to-- live with me? while watching me, i mean. not that it's very pleasant living with myself in the current scenario either, but still. the whole restlessness episode resulted to me falling into the biggest shame spiral in a long, looong time. it took be hours to write about it on insta, which yes, i did - i hadn't slept nor taken my meds and i was spiraling aaand have been hanging with L more again lately, so. what did you expect? maybe later i'll translate what i wrote in my stories and place it here? anyway, the responses i got were beyond lovely and warm, and eventually they made me feel a lot better. but it was the worst adhd-day i've had in years, and it gave me a LOT to think about.

i left quite late on friday, i think we arrived to my mum's some time past midnight. the drive went well tho, i wasn't tired at all and two other cars wanted to save gas (and tires) with me going 20 below the speed limit for most of the way, so. that was fun lol. me and mum stayed up for a while and then ... i was out. i slept until *three* in the afternoon the next day, and only got up because of w. mum had taken her out very briefly before she left, but she was full of shit so we had to go. around eight-ish o'clock i cursed myself and that whole day because i hadn't gotten anything done that i had planned to - but then i quit whining and went to the store. eventually i did one load of laundry and baked a (cherry - white chocolate) cheesecake before retiring to the couch. oh, and almost shot myself! my stepdad insisted on watching the religious nutjob channel, and he always has the tv on meeega loud. it was even louder than usual, because i was making noise baking, sooo. yeah it was fun. only that channel has the power of bringing my blood to boil in mere seconds, lmao. thankfully p goes to bed a lot earlier than me and my mum, so at some point i got to watch the eurovision finale on actual tv! before p left the couch i was watching on my phone, with a floating double screen so i could google shit at the same time.

the finale was intense, to say the least. the last moments before the winner was revealed... and then the anticlimactic loreen, ugh. not that i really thought we could've won, but i mean. NEVER in the history of eurovision has a song and a performer been that storngly backed up by such a huge part of the audience! the neverending, graham-norton-irritating chanting was insane, i almost couldn't believe my ears. and there's been covers recorded and shit, in FINNISH! and the käärijä products are legendary; or they were, idk if them damn cucumbers are still available xD the whole country felt unified for once, and usually that takes a grand hockey win to accomplish, so. hats off to käärijä! he's SO cute, sympathetic... and seems to have a very healthy mindset. just perhaps hide the shirtless pics, if you wanna, and boom! he's the best thing you could show your kid. or yourself. or all the men in your life... finland should've won, but with those damn jury votes, nope. i'm curious to see what sweden does next year - it's the 50th anniversary of the abba win too. either way; cha cha cha!

sunday was rather chill. we drank our morning coffees together but then my folks went to chuch and i sure as hell didn't. i vacuumed my car instead, and daymn it was so worth it! i also swiped the inside surfaces with matt finish dashboard wipes, and as a result? felt relieved and happy. job well done, even if it rained a bit. mom made incredible food - fish, potatoes and veggies but with her own twist, yum - and then we hurried to the bus while my hair was still wet and w hadn't peed in a while. so nothing out of ordinary, sigh. the first, longer bus journey was hellish; the driver was cranky, had to pay extra to have w with me and the bus was hot and literally packed; there wasn't a single seat available. when we made it back, we still had to make it *home*. i decided to wait for the next bus as the one arriving first was SO full there was no way i could've squeezed in with a dog... took me over an hour to get home from the bus station. that's nuuuuts bro. while on the longer journey i texted grandma a pic of wood anemones i found in the woods, and promised to call her when i got home. i forgot ... but luckily she called me, and hadn't even realized the time passing or that i had promised to be the one to make the call. bless her years. she was, as per usual, hurt and upset because i haven't been calling her more often, but we talked it out shortly - and i think me saying i wasn't doing so great somehow made it harder for her to be mad and rude? wow. gotta start complaining about everything if that's how she'll play nice, ha.

today i had my pppt's appointment, most probably the second to last of them. i'm gonna miss her! she's been so so so lovely, an absolute gem. we agreed to meet up one more time (that'll be our 11th) in a few weeks while i still wait for kela to make a decision about the therapies. i wish i could continue working with her... but i bet the new one or whoever i end up picking *if* the application gets approved will be just as lovely and competent. i've never heard of a pppt that wasn't an amazing person and also good at their job - i guess they're unicorns, the whole bunch of them. after the pppt i went to paja and!!! i, behold... managed to behave *normally* around s for once, we even chatted for a bit! and it felt very normal, no butterflies. maybe i'll come to my senses soon? one can always hope.