rotten

bleeding ears

s had a white dress shirt on (and a stubble...) today, and i almost lost it. i feel like it's only getting more and more ridiculous every day - i realize it's pathetic as hell, i just don't know what to do. everything is so absurd it makes me laugh, but also makes me uncomfortable beyond measure. the comment about us turning the lights off while they showered the other day is still echoing in my head, and it was just a simple cheeky joke ffs. siGh the burden of human emotions, amirite? ok that's enough horniness, moving on.

i was supposed to go hang out with our le today, but both her & my brother fell ill, so. he was home to be with her when my sis-in-law went to her meeting, and i got to spend more time at paja - it was only 'got to' until the band started playing tho... i just can't. everytime anything happens at the studio space i immediately wanna leave. i'm not even the musical type, but i meannn i'm not tone deaf either, and my ears bleed just like any other human's. again, i'm sure it's mostly got to do with my own shame and life traps / schemas, rather than the fact that others are not perfect but still do things. i really mean it when i say i wish i was like that. that i could participate, just try and do things, and throw myself into them; solely because of enjoyment. i hate that i can't simply enjoy things! i always need to excel, at least on some level, or i won't do the thing. this is also why i'm so scared of trying new things, especially if someone's watching. i hate failure, and even though most people aren't as judgemental as i am (i'm a snob and an ass), and most of the times i feel like a failure others don't even see me as such, it's still... painful. legit painful. so, i feel tons of unnecessary secondhand embarrassment, but i also admire and envy most of the people who make me feel it. it's all a bit confusing really, as i hate the old 'pffft they're just jealous of you, that's why they're giving you hell' -bs, but in a way it's true. although i'm not giving anyone hell, i'm keeping everything - my opinions and embarrassment and shame and ridiculing and all the toxic snobby things i have bubbling inside me - to myself, i would never deliberately insult anyone unless they went first, and even if someone was super rude to me, i still wouldn't try and make them feel less-than for having the courage to do something they enjoy in spite of me not thinking they're very talented. nobody cares what i think, and they shouldn't. and paja is *just* the place where one should be able to sing and perform if they love to sing and perform, no matter what it sounds or looks like. it's *just* the place where one should be able to draw and paint and whatever, and have their work presented in an exhibition, even if it looked like a rat did it. it's all subjective anyway, and even if it wasn't, doing what makes one happy is more important than creating things that fit any criteria. at least that's what i'd like to believe and what i'm willing to fight for. that being said; i still could not stay and listen to that band. i just couldn't. and i don't think i'll be able to, if not forced somehow...

the rest of today has been uneventful. i've gotten absolutely nothing done - it's the traditional case of 'once you come home it's game over the moment you sit down'. though i guess writing this entry is doing something? it's usually been rather helpful and kinda freeing too, so maybe it's okay. i should be packing though; i'm going to my mum's for mothers' day, and i'm leaving tomorrow already. my parents will be gone for most of saturday, but i'm planning on doing a shit ton of laundry (i have SO many sheets and towels to be washed it's insaaane), baking a cheese cake for sunday, possibly vacuuming the car *and* watching the eurovision finale, ofcourse. if p allows it, that is... i have my suspections, ugh. but yeah, i should pack all the laundry, w's stuff, some basic things i need when i'm away for a few days. and the cherry nectar i bought for mum! maybe a smaller cake tin? i should make a list. maybe i will, later. oh who am i kidding, i probably won't. anyway, i'm gonna be leaving my car there, i bought a bus ticket for my return on sunday - or *our* return, w's coming with, obvs. ae hasn't replied my mum when she asked when he had the time to check my car and switch the tires, so. mum'll take care of it next week, hopefully, and hopefully drive my car back when she comes to town for el's bday on thursday. hopefully. fingers crossed. although it might be a good idea to do a more throughout check up, i don't think there's time before next weekend, and i really hope to have a car then; otherwise it'll be a PAIN trying to organize all the transportation. if i can figure out where w goes, that is. so far nobody's been able to promise they'd watch her sat-sun. there's still a few i haven't asked tho, and there's always the option of making an ig story about it - an ad, if you will, lol. for some reason it makes me laugh that every time i need a doggositter i make it sound like the best price and greatest honor in the world haha. as if in another reality where i had an income i wouldn't be paying or at least genuinely offering to pay people for dogsitting... but i guess it's good that i can laugh about it, not being as ashamed about asking for favors and being poor as i for sure could be, is nice. makes living with myself easier, too.

mr a could've visited me on sunday, but i'm not gonna be here. he has some kind of an event nearby, and tomorrow there are other people in the car with him but on sunday he'd be driving on his own... too bad. i could've used a few kisses and cuddles, and i truly miss his face! either way, i should be packing. i think i'll try and go to paja in the morning - even if the way the damn buses are currently running (because of the damn ice hockey championship games) drives me maaaaaad. thank britney it's only until the 28th, "yay"... eyeroll. ok i need to try and get some sleep, it's been ages since i last slept again. what is wrong with meeeeeeee