rotten

teeth brushers' support group

i'm sick and tired of being so tired. time feels like an enemy - i'm struggling with 'i should' -thinking (versus 'i wanna' -thinking) again, and an immediate difference can surely be noticed. the apartment's a chaos, and my brain is a chaos… w has been sweeter than usually tho, cuddlier and such. i'm glad there are some small details i enjoy about life, even if the bigger picture is nothing but a huge disappointment.

today it rained. the first proper heat wave is done for now (not that it was a very long one) and i couldn't be happier. i hopped on a scale today and was pleasantly surprised; i'm trying to not care about weight and instead familiarize myself with other measurements of well-being - well, the _real_ and actual ways it could be measured - but i mean. it still felt super good being so close to finally weighing less than *the magic number*! hell it's motivating, although it probably shouldn't be… because what it's motivating, is mostly just my ed tendencies. i know i don't eat enough, ever. never ever. it's past 10 pm now and all i've had today is a small jar of overnight oats with fruit puree and a green smoothie. a few cups of coffee. i should make something … but that would require energy. which i certainly do not have. i was supposed to (not because 'i should' but because i wanna! i swear. i wanted to, still do. i will…) begin with tidying up this hellhole - mi is gonna come over tomorrow after work, to hang out and help. so, to save my life, basically. lol. i say lol but sadly it's very true. i know i can't stand 'the headspace this mess drives me into' for a very long time, tbh i feel like the time's already up.. i've felt super depressed lately. we had a peer leader meeting on monday (wait-- wasn't that yesterday?? yes. omg my sense of time passing i sweeeeeear) and someone brought up how tough brushing one's teeth can get sometimes. the peer support!! i tell you, me, it was incredible. i literally felt a little bit of my shame melting away when we all discussed how fucking hard it is sometimes to just manage brushing your teeth twice a day. it was something most of us had in common - and here i was, thinking i was weird being burned out from merely that one function alone for most of my adult life. i guess i'm not such a snowflake after all. what a dissappointment.

the allergy season is upon us - have i already written about this? i feel like i have. sa is one pitiful creature, hardly breathing and with her eyes all puffy. even i've been having symptoms SHIT i was supposed to go to the pharmacy today, because i forgot to do so yesterday. of course i only forgot about it AGAIN. it's been like three weeks in a row now… i shouldn't be an adult, because i'm not one. i'm not capable. someone please save me

tonight was the group's art exhibition's opening 'ceremony' (using that word very loosely here). i ended up not partaking (hehe in finnish that would be a beard king, parta-king. parta kuningas OK once again imma just move on) in the exhibition; i mean i didn't submit any art. i did participate in the opening, and it was surprisingly pleasant. i got to take sneaky pics of s, cause v asked me if i would when they were performing. and ummmm, playing guitar, wearing a black shirt with a few top buttons undone and that backwards cap… my poor little heart. actually i'm not sure which organs i should be pitying; most of them, probably. but i did behave almost like an actual person around them again! i think talking to my gal ma about this insane crush or whatever stroke i'm having has helped a bit - perhaps because now that there's an outlet, i got less built-up, eh, energy? might be. thank britney s is not a part of the cyprus crew, i can't even imagine. that'd be horrific. talking about the cyprus crew; i talked to jo a little bit today. she (they? i gotta figure out) complimented me on my base make up, and helped me clean up when i spilled my coffee - yes, again. i bet that room (the forest themed one) will eventually became all-over coffee colored & smelling & such, because heavens know i will keep filling up my cup with too much oat milk, and absolutely nothing & no one will stop me. jo seemed really sweet though. i've kinda been picking up the vibe that she hates me, but y'know. that's just me, with everybody, always, so. i guess it's not entirely surprising that didn't end up being the truth.

idk if i ever wrote about cyprus, but as someone great once said, "it is what it is". we'll be gone for a week after the midsummer, aaand… well, that's pretty much everything i know about the entire trip, lmao. other than the fact that i have promised to go. i guess i'll find out eventually? either way, i'm glad me and jo seem to get along. i was pretty nervous about that, even if sa is also coming and there'll be other people too; i'm fairly certain the three of us will be and have been pinned together. k now i gotta take a shower and idk, wish to die before the sunrise.