Amber's ramblings
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2023-05-15 22:32:38 (UTC)


So I got to bed around 2.40ish. I woke up at around 5.30. So needless to say I'm tired. I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow so I'm hoping he will give me something to help.

Got an eye test in the morning. Mum's coming with me. I know I need glasses but it's been a while since my last test so it's probably changed a bit. I hope I can find some nice ones.

I couldn't wait to see mum this morning. She gave me the best hug and said she'd missed them. I missed them too. Dad said as I walked in. Oh you're back there goes the peace. I said shut up you know you missed me. He laughed and said yes. I love them both so much.

Penny came with me this evening when I went to collect my medication. She was flirting about for her dreamies. She is being so spoiled. She's gonna get fat. I don't mind she needs to put on some weight. She still won't leave me alone. I'm so glad she feels comfortable and confident enough to go in there now. I love it. It means if anything happens to me I know she will be looked after. And no I'm not thinking about ending it though to be honest I'm not exactly thrilled about my existence. But no I mean if I have an accident or something I'm in hospital for a while. That kind of thing. I trust the whole family. I'm one of them and I know not one of them would leave Penny to fend for herself. They would all jump in to look after her. And keeping that in mind is what's pulling me through. I love them all. And I think they love me. I know mum does. And that's what matters. I have a mum who loves me. And that even if it is weird to me that makes me happy. They are the reason I am still alive. I won't let them down just like I know they will never let me down. I will fight this mental health for them. I feel like I may be getting better but it could just be that I'm still hyped from the weekend. My TVs not working and I don't even care. That's how good I feel. Normally I'd be threatening to throw it through the window. So I'm just going to play on Facebook for a while until I get sleepy.

I'd like to not that Penny is an arsehole. She has just claimed up one side of me and basically used me as a bridge to get to my oodie. Where she is making herself comfortable. But she is purring away so I don't mind. But as she was going down my other side she slid down with her claws out. Thanks Penny.

I used to like to scratch my nails down his back when we were together. We were texting a bit over the weekend. I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to do. He's making me fall in love all over again. And I know he's no good for me. No good for my mental health. And mum and dad won't like it. I still don't trust him and he still doesn't trust me. Trust was the one thing we always had. We were meant to be together. I don't care what anyone says. Except mum. Obviously I care about what she has to say. What if I'm still not right in the head and getting back together would be a big mistake. What if mum has to talk sense into me because I know she has my best interests at heart. And stopping me would be essentially the best thing. I don't know if I'm making sense. At this point I'm so tired I don't care.