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So last night I had a headache come on suddenly. It was so severe it made me sick and I was crying because of it. I didn't stop throwing up until about 2am. I don't know what is causing them. I need to get this sorted. Because I took pain killers and 10 minutes later threw them back up. My head was that bad I genuinely thought it was going to explode. So needless to say I didn't get much sleep. Must have drifted off somewhere around 3.
Been talking to him today. I told him I won't be around much over the weekend. He told me to enjoy it. I plan to. It's going to be amazing and I'm so looking forward to it. One more day to go. I can't wait and hopefully if I'm careful my headache will behave and let me have fun.
He is trying to control my other personalities. Like it's easy to do. I have no control over them. They come out when they want to. He thinks it's easy to just bring them out at will. But there are one or 2 that really scare me. He has named them as well which isn't a bad thing but I can't control them. He doesn't understand I don't like it when they take over. Like one of them is out to get me. She's not a danger to other people she normally just gets me to hurt myself. Or tries to push people away from me. Why is he trying to trigger them? He knows what they are capable of. I have to fight so hard to keep them away. I don't want them taking over. But I can't stop them when they do. I had to tell mum about it tonight when I went over there. I was so scared. I couldn't get the words out so I let her read the first part of this entry. I love that she never judges and gives me time to talk. She took my hand and didn't let go. I love her.
Still talking to him. But he has stopped trying to trigger me now. I know that he's fascinated by it but it's not a game for me. He needs to understand that if he triggers one of them it could be dangerous for him and me. Because the one he's trying to trigger hates him. I don't know why he wants to considering what she could do.
I think one of the reasons I'm so tired all the time is because I'm fighting sometimes so hard to keep them from coming. It doesn't always work I really can't control them. He has given them all names. Which I think is a good idea but when I mentioned it to a mental health professional last year she didn't think it was. I don't know why. Anyway I will be discussing this with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. That's why I needed to tell mum tonight because I didn't want her to find out when we're there. She has been so supportive and it wouldn't be fair to not tell her. I mean how can she support me if I hide things from her. And I don't want to keep secrets she deserves to know everything. Especially around my mental health. She knows what I've been through and why I am the way I am. I can't say that about anyone else apart from him. And look what happened there. I trusted him when he took my hand and promised to never leave. I trusted him with everything and I do regret it. But he was my partner and my soulmate. I thought we'd be together forever. I had no reason to think he'd ever leave me. I am so confused by him. He was the one who ended it. He told me to move on. And now he's saying he never left. If that was the case where has he been for the last 4 months. Yes he's there now but he hasn't been. He tells me he misses me. I miss him too but how can I trust him again after what happened. And he tells me it didn't happen he says he didn't end it. But he did. And in some ways I'm glad it happened because if it hadn't I wouldn't have mum in my life now. And I can't imagine where I'd be now if things didn't happen the way they did. Like I know everything happens for a reason but at the time I couldn't see it. I do need to move on. I just don't know how.