Jello's Heart
2023-05-10 08:24:56 (UTC)

Why My Heart Aches

I'm slowly coming to terms with exactly why T has been in my mind constantly for over two months now, and it's really showing me a lot about myself

I want to be the hero. I want to be the friend who leads those close to me to a better life, it's why I'd do anything for just about anyone. It's where my desire to protect and heal and hold and love comes from.

And T chose degeneracy over me. And it's swallowing him whole, just like I said it would. But I still love him, and losing him doesn't sit right with my desires. It's why I've been through hundreds of internal dialogues where I try to shake him back to his sense, why I can't stop thinking about him.

I blame myself, even now, because my brain can't deal with the idea that I never could have stopped him. He's an adult, and he made his choices, the consequences are his to handle...

But man, do I wish it was different.