barefoot & barely lifelike
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2023-05-07 15:42:12 (UTC)

existence is no small mishap

i'm debating between writing and napping. my brain feels too full but i also have a migraine and i'm tired as fuck. are fucks tired? i guess that depends on what the word is used as... annnyway. there's too much to do, again. or like, too many errands to run, too many calls to make, too many appointments to set, too many messages to reply to, it's all just too much. for a while now i've been having that familiar feeling of not being cut out for this life and this world. like i wasn't meant to be here, y'know? i wish i had someone i could go to and say "excuse me, i think there's been some sort of a mishap", or some place where i could file a complaint and apply for a refund...

i ended up taking a nap. then i doomscrolled for hooours and then the great time-eating beast did something to like seven of my hours, and now we're here. it's 5:30 am and i'm wondering if i should just take a shower, walk w and go to the police station at 8 - i'm renewing my passport and they need me to go in for a fresh set of fingerprints, a new signature sample and whatever else they want from me. not sure if i have the energy for it, i'll probably have to wait in line the entire day and they still might not have time for me, so. we'll see. i also talked about seeing L, so at least that'll happen at some point. i haven't slept but it should be fine cause i took that nap, right? i never sleep anyway. maybe i should take that shower now, and find my cup... i've been watching the office again, and it's addictive. i'm already on season six, although it really hasn't been that long. oh my god i just saw my reflection on the screen and it's absolutely disgusting ugh okay i really gotta get cracking if i plan to catch the bus that'll take me to the station on time - it's a longshot already, i'm not sure if there's *any* point in going if i'll be there even five minutes after 8 o'clock. actually i think it's already too late, but perhaps dry shampoo will do the trick? the migraine's a real bitch though, maybe i should just stay home and try going in tomorrow. mondays are probably busy anyway, i imagine. let me check... okay according to google mondays are the least busy. fuck. i only have half an hour now, i better get on it.

...yeah i was not ready in half an hour, but i did make it to the police station and got the job done (it's now the next day). tbh i'm rather proud of myself; i didn't put it off and just got it done instead. rather pathetic, i know, but with my track record it really is quite an achievement. i did my make up more carefully than i intended to, but it was a good call cuz i felt nice when i left the house, for once. which is weird - usually i put in much more effort everyday, but this time i had planned on doing nothing, so even a little bit of something somehow made me feel extra nice. idk. it was a weird day mentally. anyway, i was at the station around nine and ended up being done in just two hours - i've heard horror stories about getting there even *before* eight, waiting the entire day and still not getting through, so... a nice lady sat beside me, we chatted a bit. fifteen minutes before my turn L showed up with coffee. such a blessing. when i arrived they were on number 210, mine was 243, and considering there was three sets of numbers circling, the service was pretty quick. i had to sign a bunch of papers to prove my identity because my old passport had expired so long ago. they asked me my current and two previous addresses, how long i had lived in them, if i lived with anybody, where i was born and what's my dad's middle name - i guess with that info (and looking exactly like me) you could impersonate me. idk why anyone would want to, but i mean; feel free. it's not exactly a picnic lmaooo okay that's not funny. even the passport pic i took myself, with my phone, got approved. the id should be available for pickup on thursday of next week at the latest; i'll have to get someone to go pick it up for me, because only a person with a valid id (driver's license doesn't count) can do it. s will probably get the honor.

after i was done with all the paper-signing and fingerprinting business, i went to L's. we had coffee, chatted, spent way too much time on our phones although i quite like that kind of 'hanging out' too, and then. we watched 'nanette' by hannah gadsby. i hadn't seen it, but L had watched it like six times already. i think she wanted to show it to me as a result of a conversation we had on ig dm's last night, where we talked about feelings of otherness, the inner voice, trauma and shit like that. and for a comedy special... it was remarkable. i love bo burnham and i love daniel howell, and this was kinda similar yet very different still. i laughed, and i almost cried, but in the end i felt uneasy in a way that i truly enjoy. it made me feel things, or at least it would have if i did that in situations one's supposed to. it made me think. it forced me to relate, even if her story is very different than mine. if anyone else ever reads this, i highly recommend it. it's on netflix. and future me reading this: you should also rewatch it. it sparked an amazing conversation between me and L, and she also showed me 'hi ren' again, the song in which the dude discusses himself with his subconscious. i like that one too, but as i told L, it bothers me that in every single one of those it's also the good guy who wins. i mean it's always the person's ...main voice, main persona, the one that's hopeful and more confident and wants to do and accomplish things. and the doubtful fucker is just the little voice inside their heads, that occasionally talks up. the message in the end is always hopeful, it's always the encouraging outcome of 'you can overcome it, don't listen to it, it's just that small voice of uncertainty', and well. i don't find that relatable at all. my main voice is the doubtful, cynical, self-depricating one. and it always always always wins. the hopeful one that believes in theirselves and wants a future and shit, that's the small voice i rarely hear and the one i always fight off. i mean ofcourse i understand why that's not something people make videos about, but i wish they did. i think i'd find it comforting, for once having something truly relatable. me being (apparently?) super morbid is something i've never felt like anyone understood or related to - ofcourse the world is filled with hopeless depression stuff, but that's ...somehow it's different. with me i feel like it's more calm. it's not that dark, there's no passion. it's just the way things are, it's an almost neutral truth? hard to explain. ofcourse it's also possible that my experience of otherness is simply so strong that i feel chronically misunderstood even if in reality i was just a basic cynical bitch. i don't know if there's a way to find out what the truth is. either way, i don't understand people who still have hope. whenever there's something i relate to, it always 'gets ruined' in the end with others being hopeful. but i guess it's a good thing that at least some of us have hope?

i can hear noise coming from outside and just remembered this is the day when they wash our parking lot, and i was supposed to move my car... i should also take w out. if the washing's not already done or happening, i think i'll drive to the store parking lot with w, get some food while she waits in the car and then we'll walk home. i can pick the car up when i return from paja later, as there's no parking fees or hourly limits there. ugh my hair's wet and i still haven't done any laundry... i've been meaning to for over three weeks now, i don't know if i have any clean clothes, especially socks & underwear. which is especially 'funny' because i'm on my period - nothing beats waking up at six in the morning to do some sheet soaking and mattress scrubbing because one's 'cup overflows' (lmao the best bible reference ever), nothing. god damn it. i mean britney, britney damn it. and i just bought mattress cover too, dang why am i so lazy? though the mattress was easily cleaned, but my weighed blanket on the other hand... rip. okay that's enough. i gotta check whether the noise outside is just the yard work that's been going on for months or if it's the parking lot wash already in action. my black out curtains are closed because my apartment's getting hot as hell again - it's sunny out there. damn i wish i wanted to be alive.