Life of secrets
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2023-05-07 08:31:39 (UTC)


I’ve almost completed a week of this diet and I really am quite proud of myself. I realise that my body is extremely versatile. I lose weight and see progress very quickly. It reminds me of how, when I was smaller, the minute I felt a little bigger than usual it took just a few days eating healthy for me to get back to where I wanted to be. Already I can see a difference. And I tell myself, if I can see a difference after a week, imagine how great I’ll look after a month. I have to keep going….

Yesterday I went to the gym and then went for a walk. Not sure how many calories I consumed as we did have a quite large breakfast and then dinner but I didn’t have lunch in between and I think in all I burned over 2300 calories (not from exercise but total calories from… like… just existing for the day).

This reminder of my body doing what it needs to do, makes me think that perhaps it knows what it’s doing when it comes to pregnancy. Maybe it just knows when the right time is. I don’t know. Every test and examination I’ve had has always confirmed to me that my body is doing what it needs to. I always expect something to show but it never does. I need to trust it a bit more.

And I did a couple of home sperm tests on my husband last week, which are showing as normal. In fact one of them showed as above normal which is great.

Still no update on the mortgage from the new lender. I thought we’d get the offer through last week but nothing. And so we continue to wait…

Tomorrow we are taking my parents to see gardians of the galaxy, in 4DX. Because neither of them have experienced it. We are going for a meal beforehand, and tomorrow will be my naughty day (of food).

I had a dream last night that my husband had cheated on me with my ex massage therapist. He’d never actually go for her in real life, she’s rather large and just not his type. But you never know! I was a bit surprised in my dream, too. And as upset as I was, I had decided to leave him. I remember being quite relieved for us to split. I thought, finally I can get on with my life. And I wanted to contact R to say, hey! We can be together now if you want! Although I reality I don’t have those feelings for him but I always told myself I should have married him instead….

Anyway, as I was getting on with my life in my dream and starting the separation process, telling everyone what he’d done and crying a little over it all, I woke up. Heard him snoring next to me. And thought to myself, oh. It was just a dream. That’s a shame…