Amber's ramblings
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2023-05-06 20:21:15 (UTC)


Well everything that could go wrong did go wrong today. I got up early after having very little sleep last night. After the call cancelling our hotel last night I couldn't sleep. So we had to cancel the BBQ because it was pissing down with rain. So I was pretty upset and went to see mum. She gave me lots of hugs. I feel like I let everyone down. I was really looking forward to it and it's typical British weather to rain when I have plans. So we went shopping and I got a pasta Bolognese for dinner. It was cooked to perfection and smelled so nice. As I was getting it out of the oven it slipped and I dropped it. I was gutted because it looked so nice.

Was talking to him last night. He said he knows I sent that message because he was talking to one of the friends on that account and they gave him my name. He's lying and I don't know why. It wasn't my account it didn't come from me but I told him I'm done arguing and he can believe what he wants. He said if I just admit it we can move on. I'm not going to admit to something I didn't do. He said I sent the message and it backfired. I said nothing backfired because I didn't do it. Why is it so hard for him to understand that. I never would have done that and I thought he knew me better than that. I then was messaging his mate and he was saying that he talks about me all the time and he could meet me a lot more over the summer. I said I can't give him another chance he's had plenty and I can't let him break my heat again. I have to protect myself. He kept saying I was making the wrong decision. I said it wasn't my decision he was the one who ended it not me. His mate kept trying to get me to give him another chance. I can't. And I told mum and her and dad both said no. Don't get back with him. It would be pretty stupid of me to go back to him after he broke me. I can't go through that again. I have to be strong now. He wants to meet me again soon. I said no. It hurts too much and I'm starting to heal now. If I go there again I'll go back downhill. It's been a long struggle these last 4 months. I told him he was the one who walked away. He said he didn't and that he was here. I almost said where have you been for the last 4 months. I messaged him more last night than I have in the last 4 months. I'm not doing it. I didn't push him away. I didn't send that message. It didn't come from a fake account of mine. I don't even have a fake account it's hard enough to keep up with one so I don't need 2. It's his choice, he can either believe me or not. I'm done caring now. Yes I miss him and I still have feelings for him. But in time I will get over him. And I will move on. But I'm not giving my heart away again only for it to come back broken and battered beyond repair. My walls are being built up and reinforced with steel. So high no one will be able to climb over them. I need to protect myself and the only person in this world I can rely on is mum. She has been there giving me support and advice and if I go back to him I will be letting her down. And I never want to do that. He wants to blame someone for that message and because I don't know who or why he's pointing the finger at me. Like I said I don't care anymore he can think what he wants.

He tried to message me earlier when I was getting my meds from mum. Calling me angel. I said how can you call me that when you think I'm lying. I don't know what to think anymore. He said someone told him it was me but I actually don't believe him because it really wasn't. And if he's lying about that could he be lying about the messages that kicked it all off in the first place. He said I pushed him away by sending that message. I knew what would happen that's why I didn't do it. So did the message actually exist. Yes I was mad at him in fact I was furious at him but I never would have done that. Why can't he see. I'm psychotic sometimes he knows that but it wasn't me or any of my personalities. I have wondered what would happen but I never wanted to find out. Anyway it's over there is no going back from this. I would have done anything for him. I would have moved to the other side of the world for him if he asked me to. I would have given up my friends and family to be with him. That's how much in love with him I was. I have never felt that before him. Yeah I thought I was in love before with Jim. But it was never that intense or that deep. I honestly thought we'd be together forever but I was stupid. He never was mine. I had to keep our relationship a secret. There were only a handful of people who knew. And I trust them. Even my bestie didn't know. She thought I'd ended it a while ago. And my sister knew about him but she also thought I'd ended it. So there were only about 4 people who knew the truth. So yeah I was stupid to think he loved me. No one has ever broken my heart like that. I feel like he played me and I believed everything he said. But I see it now and I can't go back there. I'm not going to be treated like an option I should have come first but I never did. I was always the last thing he thought about. And towards the end I never knew from one day to the next if I would hear from him or not. I need someone who will put me first. I don't want to be second best. I need someone strong who I can rely on. Someone who will put my mental health first and not make it worse. When he ended it I was so close to ending my life. I stood outside my van and I knew if I went inside that would be it. I wouldn't be coming out alive. And without hesitation I turned and went to mum. And I've never looked back. I didn't know if she would help me but out of everyone in my life she was the one I wanted. And I have cried on her shoulder so many times. And she has never said she's too busy she has always hugged me and let me cry it out. Gave me tissues and let me talk if I wanted or just sit in silence holding my hand. She has never turned me away. She has never told me to get over it. And when I'm upset she offers me hugs. I never say no to them. They make me feel safe and loved.

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