Gone mental

Notes from my Black
2023-05-06 04:19:17 (UTC)

ADHD… really?

I have gotten into some heated arguments about psychology with Her. I get that she knows a boat load about it and I do respect that. I just don’t want Her to diagnose me. It’s not her place. Plus I feel absolutely judged when she does.

But it goes further.

Tonight she told me that either I treat her like an employee or she treats me like a child… either is not a good look for a couple. She has said this before, but I don’t know how to fix it. Tonight she added a bonus few things too. She doesn’t find me attractive. She doesn’t see a way through this with us living together. The living together part is a repeat from sever other previous conversations.

I am kinda at the point where literally everything runs through my mind.
-fine go.
-fine. I’ll go stay somewhere for a while.
-just pack my shit and a trailer and move states away. Maybe even Canada, or a few countries south of the border. Someplace I’d never want to come back from…

Tonight’s conversation was followed by the dog peeing on the floor. Not a huge deal, although there was a ton of pee. The conversation lasted 2 hours. My son decided he was going to clean it up with his socks, then his pant legs… so I showered him again. My stress was hugely elevated. She cleaned up the pee… holy crap. Then there was something in the trash that seeped through the bag, filled the bottom of the can and leaked all over the floor… so I had to scrub the kitchen floor, clean the can and try to keep my stress down. I’m not doing a great job of that. While I was trying to fix the hose the somehow was broken and squirted me and everywhere when I turned it on, I actually yelled to the wind that I needed just a little break from all this. Her response when I came back in was there are drips to the door… and don’t you think that hosing off the can will just make it rust? What are my options? Spray cleaner isn’t going to clean the floor… and the just put a half roll of paper towels on the nasty juice spill to “help” with the clean up of the initial mess from the can. So I old school scrubbed the floors of the kitchen. She used a wet wipe on the dog where she had some pee on her. Mind you this is the second time she peed herself today. I gave her a bath earlier because of the first one. I guess I’ll give her another tomorrow.

Really I just want a break. Sigh. Now it’s midnight and I have so many clouds in my head I can’t discern one thought from another.

Circling back… I though we were doing better. This morning I signed up for another book event. This one will have a few thousand families… so I could potentially sell a ton of books/ merch. She was like “do you think you might be ok with me and son helping?” I was all like yeah, that would be great! Now I think about that event like I don’t want to do it with her… I don’t know…

She also said I’m distant now. Mind you this is right after I cleaned and cleaned and the cleaned more shit… because of the calamity of the night. So I got my clothes out and didn’t change in front of her. Well… she did just tell me she didn’t think I was attractive… so why the hell would I want to change in front of her??? Other than that, why wouldn’t I have some sort of noticeable reaction to the conversation? I’m not a stump…

So this is my life.

I told someone I was thinking of writing a story titles something like “Hey Margaret, it’s me, nobody. The title is a parity of Judy Blume… but this story would not end well for the main character, me. It’s about a kid who was mostly ignored and when he wasn’t, he was ridiculed, bullied, and teased. I’m kinda afraid to write it, cause I already lived that life. It may be cathartic though.

Baby steppin though life. Right step, left step… repeat when you have the energy.