rotten

new month, new me (as if)

the things and events i listed in my previous entries feel very distant now, like they happened a lifetime ago. it has been like a month though, and with this brain that sometimes feels like a lifetime. and i could write a looooong ass list of things that have happened in said time, that i wanted to write about but simply had no energy to, but idk what purpose that would serve. i made an observation to ju the other day, saying that keeping a diary almsot feels like socializing too, even if it's just with myself - and it's true. i enjoy it, and it helps my brain feel less cluttered, but it's draining too. sometimes, not always. but springtime depression has been with us again lately, so... literally everything has been draining my energy. why does the spring always suck all life out of me? isn't this supposed to be the time of *coming back to life* and blooming and shit like that?? why is it that in my life things often seem to go exactly the opposite of how they're supposed to? where and how can i apply for a refund??

anyway. even tho i'm probably not going to make an extensive list, there are some things that have happened / been going on since i last wrote, that i would like to address. first of all; that weirdly high fever i had. never developed into anything more... but the migraine stuck, and to this day, hasn't gone away. i've had an excruciating headache for over three motherfucking weeks now, and it's been HELL. still haven't called for a doc's appointment though... cough, cough. i never get anything done. okay, that's not true - recently i've gotten lots of things done actually. for 1st of may i made (brewed?) my own mead, and i baked butter-eyed-buns. i've also kept the apartment in a somewhat tolerable condition, which in itself is a miracle; i'm giving most of the credit to sa tho, as i tend to get more done now that she visits me quite often. having people over motivates me and she works marvellously as a body double, so i don't just clean *for* her, i clean while she's still in here, lol. anyway, that was a sidetrack, i think. back to the fever - mum picked w up on a friday morning, and on saturday i was done with the fever. i didn't get w home until the next saturday though, but i rather enjoyed being by myself that week. i spent a few whole days at the paja, just because i could, because i had no dogwalking duties to come home to after bein away for x amount of hours. i vacuumed and changed the sheets without everything getting just as hairy in mere seconds; that felt hella nice, almost too nice. i love that animal to bits but the amount of hair ... i truly am gonna lose my mind one day. any day now, i'm sure.

a week after the fever episode i visited my old hometown. ai had a jazz gig at this smallish pub i really like, and me and my girl m went to see (and listen to) her play. i saw other friends too, tii and mai; it was super nice to see them! and we talked about the whole crew visiting tii's house in the summer, i hope that plan ends up as reality. the last time i went to see ai play was before she picked up jazz piano, and although i understand absolutely nothing about jazz, i really enjoyed it. they had a band, and everyone in it was mind-blowingly talented. i especially enjoyed the trumpet player - she was clearly really insecure but seemed to have a very fun time. the singer was great too. i only drank tea, because i didn't wanna sweat (i did anyway, sweat, i mean. so there went that one) and afterwards we stayed for a while, just chatting around and with ai, before she had to go and load the instruments in her car. but here's the random part of that trip: i stayed over at mr. a's!! first of all, i was supposed to get my summer tire issue figured out during that trip, and even tho that never happened, i only drove to my parents' and then took a bus back and forth. me and my gal m hung out at a cafe for a few hours before the gig, and afterwards i walked my ass over to mr. a's new apartment. i laughed when m asked in a shock if i was gonna go and stay with mr. a and his mum, lmao. mr. a said she probably would've welcomed me with open arms though, haha! and i bet she would've... but i preferred his own place. at first it was awkward and kinda weird seeing him, as we've only ever spent time together in group settings, in the church circles and while he was still married. he was cooking when i arrived, then he fixed us some g&t's and while he prepared the food, i baked some buns (he had the dough ready to go)... the food was freaking delicious. we had deer & homemade coleslaw, and i usually don't even like cabbage! the jokes were flowing and we had a really nice time, even if both were quite nervous. his apartment was really nice too.

we didn't sleep together - okay, practically we did, but there was no sex. which i find kinda surprising, although i'm not sure why. there was closeness and skin-to-skin contact, some kissing and cuddling, but that's it. and it all felt weirdly safe and familiar; different than with most guys i've dated. usually i enjoy the cuddling etc. but find myself immediately sure about not wanting anything serious with them AND i always thought that if i did want something more with someone someday, i'd immediately know that too, as that's how it was with mickey. but with a i just felt safe and comfortable, and i had to think about it. i don't feel like i have a crush or that i'm Truly Interested, but for the first time ever my mind went "i think there's a possibility i might fall for him one day". still feels absurd even thinking about it! i don't think a real relationship between us would actually work, we have very different values on some things that i consider dealbreakers, plus there's the distance and the age difference and all that. but if we kept seeing each other regularly, spent time together, cuddled more... who knows. maybe i could love him. he'd have to get rid of that hella ugly hat though.

after a few days we had to have a discussion via text about 'the state of our relatioship'. it was kinda funny, as he thought i was in a hurry to 'make things official' and have a relationship with him, which i totally am not. i don't know if i wanna be in a relationship at all, like, ever, lol. but we talked it out and everything got said and sorted. i think that's our strength, and i think that's also why everything about him feels so safe. the ways in which we got to know each other and eventually grew closer have been somewhat unique. we've always been real with one another, i've been able to be brutally honest and straight-forward, without being nervous about how he views me. nobody ever thought we'd become as close as we have, and surely no one thought things might one day get physical between us, or serious, so there was never That Pressure. idk, i've tried analyzing all things in my tiny and aching brain, but i haven't gotten very far. either way, i enjoyed my visit, lmao. the next day i saw m again, we went to a few art exhibitions in town and grabbed coffees before i took the bus back to my parents'. i spent the night and then ... because my mum is MY mum, she hadn't asked our car guy about the tires, and so i ended up just driving back home with my winter ones. and w! gosh i missed that lil fluffbutt when i had to be separated from her for over a week - i don't understand how people do it. how does one live without a doggo? baffles me. when we got back i went to laavu with the yatzy weeners, and afterwards sa came over for even more yatzy.

je returned to paja. officially the drama has been put to rest, it's in the past now, etc. but to me (and to ju) it's not over. je was happy, or content, with the talk she had with ...the devil lady and Some Guy they dragged in to 'be impartial', but to me, that talk sounded like nothing but another VERY badly handled situation. i've tried being neutral towards the dl, but it's tough. she's so fake, annoying and plain hostile UGH okay i don't wanna talk about her, that always bums me out, but yeah. je has returned. we had a fight before she did though! her transphobia and political views are still a lot for me to handle, i still don't know what to do. sometimes being her friend seems and feels impossible, but then again, she's been an amazing friend to me, i enjoy her company *and* we have our crew that i don't want to break up. i hope she'll one day come to her senses, but i mean. i'm not holding my breath. ju has also started to come to paja more often again, that's nice too. tbh our group of four has quickly become suuuch a big part of my life, it's still weird to think about - but it's also a joy. s has been vacationing for two weeks now... they should be back next week. idk why but i'm almost nervous about that? they have previously played a big role in my paja experience, and i gotta admit, these two weeks without them felt quite nice. less stressful for sure. damn how i wish i could act like a normal person around them, and not like the mess i tend to.

my postcrossing restart's going great too, btw. i have received twelve cards already, and i think i've sent... umm, thirteen? wow, that's cool. and there's been people in the group - every week by now! i think it's been seven people in total, myself included. i'm so happy others also find this hobby to be cool, and that they've been interested enough to actually start sending cards themselves. the dl allowed me to order stamps for the group, and i spent over 100 euros on them, oops. well, for me it's paja money, so i don't really care *that* much, but still. that's a lot of money, tho it only bought us 48 stamps... i hope they last for a while, at least until the summer break. oh and! i'm thinking about hosting a sticker making workshop in the upcoming period. that should be fun.

still haven't heard from kela about my therapy applications. they have been in contact about other things, but i hate all of those... but now all the letters on this screen are beginning to seem like they're jumping around, so i'm gonna continue another time. perhaps tomorrow? (yeah right. i bet wishful thinking's the thing that eventually kills me...) good night, me.