AmberG

05/05

Well today was the day I had my assessment with the mental health team. We got there and I didn't want to go in. But mum said it would be ok. We sat in the waiting room and mum held my hand because she knew I was scared. The nurse came to get us and at first she said I had to go in on my own and mum and dad had to wait outside. I said if mum couldn't come with me I wasn't going in. So she reluctantly agreed. I did my best to answer all the questions but there was one point I couldn't answer so mum answered for me. I'm so glad she was there. They dragged up a lot of things from my past and it was hard but I tried so hard and together with mums help we got through it. I don't know how I did but I did. Mum squeezed my hand and I knew I was safe because she was there. When I went to get my meds this evening she told me I did really well and that she was proud of me. No one has said they were proud of me. I know I'm so lucky to have her in my life. And I think these last 4 months she has struggled and I feel really bad about that. I sometimes wish I hadn't gone to her that day because her life would have been so much easier if I hadn't. But I know if I hadn't gone to her I wouldn't be here now. Maybe things would have been better for everyone if I had just ended it then. We have had to fight so hard to get here. Mum has fought to get me the help I need and I have fought to keep myself alive. And it's not fair on her. I feel like crap. But tomorrow is another day and I'm planning a BBQ for people on the yard. Hootie tootie isn't invited and I'm kinda daring her to come down because she will get a mouthful. I don't want her there and no one else does either. So if she turns up I will tell her where to go. Especially as I'll be drinking. I can't control my mouth after a few bevvies. So bring it on. After the week I've had there is nothing I want more than to call her out on her ballshit.

Got a bit of a long day tomorrow. Going shopping for the BBQ in the morning with mum and Linda. BBQ in the afternoon and probably drinking into the night. I hardly ever drink so I think after the year I've had I deserve to let my hair down. I'm going to be making cocktails for me, mum and Linda. I have loads of alcohol left over from Christmas that I never drank. To be fair I had a glass on Christmas day and was going to have a few the day after. But Laura's stupid cat knocked a large Yankee candle from a shelf above my head and I think I was a bit concussed and couldn't drink. I was lucky it didn't kill me. Those candles are huge and heavy. And it landed on my head. It didn't knock me out so I didn't seek medical advice right away. But I did go to the hospital a few days later. The doctor wasn't overly concerned and sent me home. But it still hurts sometimes so I'm wondering if it chipped my skull. I didn't have an x-ray on it because the doctor said I was ok. So I don't know.

So it's the spaniels coronation tomorrow. I can't say king Charles without adding spaniel on the end. I don't agree with the coronation. The country is on its knees with people working full time and still having to use food banks. It's disgusting that they are spending billions on it when that Money would be better spent on nurses the police and fire fighters. Also teachers. They deserve the money more than he does. So we're ignoring it as much as we can. That's why I've been planning this BBQ. I don't want to see it I don't want to hear about it I think it's unjustified. They are racist colonising peodos who cover up the fact that at least one of them is a nonce. That money could fix the potholes in the road that I keep hitting because I don't see them all the time. And they just appear overnight. Like how. Anyway rant over

I haven't heard from him again for a week. He told me last Sunday that he would be on more from Wednesday. But I've heard nothing. He's been on line he just doesn't want to talk to me. He's confusing me and I hate that. Either he wants to be in my life or he doesn't. He needs to make up his mind. He can't keep dropping me the occasional message and expect me to always be here. I had a brother who did the same so I cut him off. I wasn't going to deal with that from family so why should I put up with it from him. He thinks he can treat me like shit I'll always be here for him. There was a time I would jump for him as soon as he messaged but not now. He made his choice and he continues to do this. I may not be strong now but I will be. The only reason I haven't blocked him is because he owes me money. And I need it back. When I lent it to him I had reservations but he promised me he would pay it back. He got mad when I said I wasn't sure about it but I loved him and would never have done anything for him. So against my better judgement I lent it to him. And now when I ask for money he goes mad and demands to know why I don't have any. Like I'm spending it on shit. I have bills to pay he doesn't understand that. And what does it matter why I have no money. He has made no effort to pay me back. It pisses me off. He says he'll find a way but I know he won't. It was a lot and I can't afford to lose it.

So next weekend is looking dodgy now. I can't believe the hotel just called me and said the hotel is closed and has been for a month. Like they couldn't call me a month ago to say that. There are no other options now so the weekend has now been ruined because we've got nowhere to stay. I'm so upset right now. It was the one thing I was looking forward to and now we can't go