Amber's ramblings
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2023-05-04 21:13:43 (UTC)


So I saw the nurse this afternoon. My blood pressure is slightly high and so are my blood sugar levels. So I have to go back next week for a full blood test to check everything else.

Tomorrow morning we'll be seeing the mental health team and I'm trying not to worry. It is hard not to think about it but I just have to get through the night. Mum made a list of what we need to discuss so we don't forget anything. I'm trying not to be anxious I know I'll be ok because mum and dad will both be there. I have so much support from them. I've never had that. I got used to doing things on my own I've always had to do everything on my own. And now I have a lot of support and I don't know what to do with it. Everyday I appreciate everything they do. I just get too attached sometimes like I did with him. And when it came down to it he couldn't handle me. Mum is doing a great job. She has kept me alive these last few months and I owe her so much. She doesn't expect me to be perfect and she never gets mad or upset with me when I'm emotional. Not like him. Any time I expressed how I was feeling he would have a go at me. So I learned not to tell him how I was really feeling. And any time he would ask I would just say I'm fine. Because I didn't want to be shouted at. He was supposed to love me he was supposed to care. Why would you have ago at someone for saying they were having a bad day. He would just tell me to snap out of it and think positive. Like that's going to help. That's like telling a blind person to look harder. Or a disabled person to just walk it off. It's not going to work.

I put up with a lot of shit from him. And I don't know why I put up with it for so long. We broke up a month before our 3rd anniversary. I did love him. He was my world. He was my FP but now he's like a stranger. He hardly ever talks to me these days. Considering he said he would never let me go he's got a funny way of showing it. He said he would love me forever so why aren't we still together. I miss him. I think I always will. He has a place in my heart that I'll never forget. But I need to move on. He doesn't want me and I need to get used to him not being here anymore.

I'm not ready to start dating again yet. I don't know if I ever will but I have to stop thinking about him. It's not good for my mental health. He understood so much about me but he couldn't handle the depression. He knew it was part of me but he didn't like it. I don't think he really understood it. He loved me when I was having a good day but when I was low he would just start arguments with me which made me worse. Or he would ignore me for days making me wonder what I did wrong. It got to the point where I never knew from one day to the next if I would hear from him or not. And when it all kicked off he walked away. Like I knew he would though he always said he wouldn't. And now I don't know how I am living without him. He knew so much I told him everything. From the good to the bad to the really bad. I had no secrets from him though secrets was what he had. I fell in love with him and I fell hard. I thought he would always be there to catch me. No actually I didn't. I knew one day he would leave. Just like everyone else does. And he's got me scared that no one will ever stay. And I'm scared that one day mum will have enough and leave and I really want to believe that she won't. But right now I'm feeling so unloveable and I know she is different. I know she won't abandon me but the voices won't shut up about it. I'm trying so hard not to listen to them. But they're in my head all the time. And I can't block them out.

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