Amber's ramblings
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2023-05-03 20:24:08 (UTC)


Had a weird dream last night. I was in a secure hospital and mum came to see me. But she couldn't get me out. We were in a visiting room and there was glass between us so she couldn't hug me and tell me it would be ok. I tried to escape but I kept getting caught.

The landlord was here this morning and I was too anxious to go and talk to him. I hid inside until he had gone. He wasn't here for long. If I had known mum was at home I would have gone to her for help. But I thought she was out. I might text him and tell him all about hootie tootie. But the mood I'm in I might just go and take it up with her. Find out what her problem is.

Had a really shit day today. I feel like people sometimes take the piss. I had to take my neighbour out to town. He said he'd be about an hour. So I did a bit of shopping then went to the cemetery to sit with Justin for a while. After 2 hours I messaged him and he said he'd be another hour. So I had to come home. I wasn't going to wait around for another hour. Then I had to go and pick him back up. Then he wanted to go to Aldi. Almost got into a fight with a stupid woman. Saw dad's car so went and spoke to mum for a few minutes to calm down.

Went to check out the cattery up the road. Booked Penny for the week I'm away. It's going to be expensive but it looks like a good place and it's like a mile from the road so I know it's safe. I know she'll be ok but I do worry about her.

When I went to get my medication Penny followed me over and as soon as the door was opened she ran straight in. Mum was feeding her treats and she made herself at home. When it was time to leave she didn't want to and I don't blame her. I didn't want to leave either. I never do these days. I'm anxious about Friday. I'm terrified of what's going to happen. I trust mum and she has promised she won't let them keep me there. I trust her a million percent and I know she won't let anything happen. Tomorrow night we are going to fill out the form they sent and we'll write everything down that we need to discuss just so we don't forget anything. I know once we get there everything will disappear from my head. I'm so grateful that mum and dad will be with me because they will talk for me if I can't. Because mum knows me so well now she knows what I need or what I need them to do. Last time we went she didn't know too much about me but now she knows everything she will tell them what I need. And she won't leave until we get a result. Hopefully my medication will be changed and I will start to get better. I owe mum and dad everything and I owe it to them to get better. I gave up fighting a while ago but she never gave up. I love her for that. I love her for everything she has done. I tell her every night I love her. She's my mum now. So I hope she knows she is stuck with me forever now. I know I am difficult sometimes and I really try not to be. I can be annoying too and again I try not to be. There are times when I need to see her she keeps me calm when everything is out of control but I don't go to her. She tells me I should but I can't always go. I feel like I'm disterbing her and I can't get that feeling out of my head. Mum tells me all the time if need her to go over there. But my head won't let me. The voices tell me all the time how much of a disappointment I am to her and how I bother her every time I go over there.

Mum's coming with me to the doctor's tomorrow and I feel like I'm asking too much of her. Like I love that she wants to come and support me and I'm always going to be grateful to her for being there. But my head is telling me I'm being too needy. I don't know I know she doesn't mind and I wish I could stop the voices. My heart is telling me she does it because she loves and cares about me. I need to listen to that but it's hard. Mum and dad treat me like a daughter and I don't always know how to deal with that. I've said before I never had a relationship with my biological parents not like this. Any time I was in trouble I hid it from them. Like back in 2011 when I was having my first major breakdown no one in my family knew. And I didn't even hide it that well. How could they not know something was wrong. How could they not care. Mum now knows if I'm not good. Like tonight she knew I was worried about Friday. Even though I tried to hide it she knew. She always knows. I've known her for almost 2 years but it's only the last 4 months that we've been talking really. We used to say hello and wave to each other. I always knew she was nice and I think that's why I went to her that day. I'm glad I did but I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't. Would I be here now? Probably not. When I moved here it was only supposed to be temporary until I got a house in town. But I gave up looking because I actually really like it here. And now I can't move because I have a family here now. Not just mum and dad but Linda and Neil too. Linda has been like a sister to me. She has been a better friend than my bestie. She checks up on me every day. I can't remember the last time I heard from my bestie. I'm wondering if I can even call her that now. I'm not going to message her again. If she wants to talk she will but for now she doesn't. And that's ok but if she leaves it too long, I don't know, what am I supposed to do. I had more contact with her before I moved back here. I don't know what I've done. She always said if I need her all I had to do was call. I've tried calling out to her and she doesn't get back to me. I know she's not working this week she booked the week off so I really don't understand what I've done wrong.