Amber's ramblings
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2023-05-02 21:35:28 (UTC)


So I'm still getting bad headaches. When I went to see mum tonight she said we will write down everything we need to discuss with the mental health team so we don't forget anything. And we need to fill in the form they sent me. As Friday approaches I am getting more and more nervous and overthinking things. I need them to sort me out. I need them to make the voices stop even if it's only for a while. I'd take an hour of silence that's not too much to ask for is it. I've been through this before but this time I'm not on my own. Both mum and dad will be there this time. And they will both be sticking up for me and talking when I can't.

So hootie tootie has been at it again. Slagging me off telling my friend to stop hanging out with me because that's why she doesn't have much money. Like I'm spending it. No we help each other out. If she needs something I'll help her. If need something she'll help me it's what friends do. Anyway the landlord is coming tomorrow and I will be talking to him. I've really had enough now. I can't keep ignoring it. She really has a major issue with me and I honestly don't know why. I want to go and ask her what her problem is but I know it will kick off and I'll end up punching her. And that would bring me down to her level. I've never hit anyone in my life and as much as she deserves it I don't want to do that. Mum said I'm better than that. Plus if I punch her I will be the one getting evicted and I can't leave mum and dad. Or any of the others. They're all good people it's just her that isn't.

I got my hair cut today. Had quite a lot chopped off. It needed it though. I haven't been to a hairdresser for some years. At least 10 years. Last time I went to one the woman lied about me. She thought I was going to kick off about how short she had done it. I wanted it shoulder length but she did it up to my ears. I wasn't mad it looked ok but she obviously thought I hated it so she went to the manager and told her I had nits. I didn't and when I got home I went through it with a nit comb and there wasn't even any dandruff. I hate people like that. So it gave me a phobia about going to another one. But today was ok. My hair was badly damaged by bleaching it and colouring it. But now the damaged hair has gone it looks and feels so good. All I need to do now is colour it. As she was drying it I could see more and more grey hairs lol so need to sort that before the holiday.

I've got 10 days to go before comic con. Someone called me a nerd. I thought it was funny. I'm not a nerd really. Last year I went because my favourite actor was going to be there and obviously I had to get a photo shoot with him. It was great. So I'm going back this year because the women from charmed will be there and I have photo shoots with them. I loved charmed. So I'm looking forward to that. I just need to survive the next week and try to stay out of hospital. Mum said she won't let them take me in and I trust her. She said she will never leave me and I really hope she doesn't. I trust her more than anyone in my life before. More than I trust myself most of the time. She knows me so well. She knows what I've been through in the past. And she knows how hard it is for me to talk about it. She never pushes me she just gives me time to talk or just sit in silence if that's what I want to do. It's not that I don't want to talk to her sometimes it's that I can't always find the right words. And she understands that. I do talk eventually but sometimes it takes a while. I go over and over it in my head thinking the worst. Like if I say that will she hate me will it change how she feels about me. And I go over every sinario in my head and every possible outcome. And it doesn't matter what I say she will never stop loving me. And she has said that if they ever do move I'm going with them.