Amber's ramblings
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2023-05-01 22:17:44 (UTC)


Well 3 days and I have an appointment with the nurse to see if my BP is high. I really hope that's what it is. Every time I exert myself I get sudden bad headaches. I can't really see it being anything else.

When I went to get my meds this evening I wasn't great but talking to mum pulled me back from the edge. She offered to come with me to see the nurse on Thursday. She doesn't like the nurse I'm seeing but she's coming with me anyway. If that isn't love I don't know what is.

I was talking about school with a friend today. I was in trouble for the most random things. Like in year 7 my first year in secondary school. It wasn't that I had a problem with the school uniform. That didn't bother me. I had an issue with the tie. I don't like things around my neck and I didn't think it was fair that they tried to force me to wear one when the aisain girls didn't have to. They didn't even have to wear the uniform. My mother said I shouldn't have to wear the uniform and sent me in without it. It was her idea. Like I said I had no issue with the uniform. Just the tie. So I was forever getting in trouble because of it. After a few months I gave in and wore the uniform but I still didn't want to wear the tie. I was always in the deputy heads office and she never got mad. She understood that I didn't like things around my neck and we came to an agreement that I would wear the tie but it wouldn't be done all the way up. But being a rebel I used to wear it around my head. My argument was in the school rules it said I had to wear it but it didn't say where I had to wear it. I actually didn't mind being sent to the deputy heads office. She was the best teacher in that school and she listened to me. I think she knew something was going on but she never tried to find out what.

There was this one time I was in year 9 and I got to school and everything was fine. My form tutor said we had to go to the sports hall for an important assembly. I picked up my bag and started to follow the others out of the classroom. The bitch stopped me and told me to leave my bag behind which I refused. We got into an argument because my tape player was in my bag and I didn't want it getting nicked. After a few minutes of arguing I gave up and dropped it on the floor and tried to storm out. She went off like a rocket and screamed at me to go down to the heads office. I had no idea what her problem was but went anyway. I was stood there till after lunch. She told the headmaster that I had picked up a chair and hit her with it. I was shocked. I knew she didn't like me but to make up lies was out of order. She then told all the other teachers I was getting suspended before I even saw the head. So I explained to the head what had happened and he let me off with a warning. So when I got to the last lesson of the day because I had been outside his office all day I only made it to the last lesson. The teacher was surprised to see me. So I had to explain to her what had happened. I tried to be good but it was hard. I wasn't deliberately setting out to cause trouble but my form tutor really had it in for me. So the next day it was break time and I was outside with my friends beaky and Sarah. We were all messing around but it was me that bitch started on. Accused me of bullying Sarah. She told the other 2 to disappear and again I was sent to the heads office. This time she got her wish and I was suspended. She made up so many lies about me. Why become a teacher if you don't like kids. I don't understand what her problem with me was. She eventually got me expelled. I think the head had it in for me too. I think it was because I wasn't a bright student and he thought I wouldn't pass the exams. And the school was on special measures so they wanted to get rid of the stupid kids so they got better exam results. Totally unfair but to be honest I loved the school I went to after that. And apart from the first few weeks where the older kids weren't nice once they left I settled in and became a model student. Well most of the time. Like when I met Justin. We were at the local sports centre doing trampolining and Justin was stood up on the balcony watching us. With every bounce we had a few words. He came down and we met up outside the hall we were in. And we got chatting. We clicked and started dating. The staff tried to keep me away from him because he was older than me but I didn't care. I wouldn't stop seeing him. After a few months I was still 13 I lost my virginity to him. He was 18. I didn't see it as a problem I loved him. I didn't think it would be that much of an issue. Boys my age just weren't good enough. I turned 14 2 months later when I was in care. I had to go into care because I was sick of the abuse I getting at home. And I was pregnant and scared. And my biological parents kept threatening to put me there anyway. So I put myself there. All my life they had been threatening to put me in care like it was a bad thing and I just had enough. As soon as I went into care they called me a liar and did everything to get me back. It was a control thing. They didn't want me to be happy. They made all kinds of promises to me over the next few years. Like my mother promised me a trip to Disneyland Paris. It never happened. Then I must have been 15 at Christmas my main present was a trip to America to see my auntie. I was so excited but again it never happened. I was let down so much so now I find it hard to believe people's promises.

A few years ago when I was learning to drive my mother promised to buy me a car if I passed. I had to buy my own car because she went back on her word again. I wasn't surprised that time. I knew it wouldn't happen. There were always conditions attached to any promises they made and I tried so hard but it was never good enough. That's why I feel so worthless now. My life is pointless. If I could go back in time to change things I wouldn't. As much as I hated it I wouldn't be here now in this time if things were different. And I now have family who love me and I wouldn't change that for anything. Yes my heart has been broken more times than I can remember but it made me who I am today. I would never hurt anyone because I know how it feels. And I don't make promises I can't keep. If I make a promise I do everything in my power to stick to it or die trying. I know what it feels like to be let down over and over again so I won't do that to anyone. So I will say this here and now. I promise I will always love my new mum and dad and I will fight to stay alive for them. And if they need me to make a promise I will do it.