2023-04-30 18:48:50 (UTC)

Dragon Fruit

Mostly tasteless with a subtle hint of sweetness.

That's how I would describe the last two weeks. Accepting a new job offer and then having to watch my mom spiral downward in a hospital full of fuckwits. Day after day, I watched as nurses neglected the basic tenets of care and were dismissive of her concerns until she was screaming and crying. And even then, they were slow to act. When a doctor orders medicine STAT, doesn't it mean it should come within the next few minutes, not 45 minutes later? If a doctor nicks a bladder during surgery, is that doctor not required to tell the patient what complications arose during the procedure? If my mom is vomiting after a hysterectomy and nothing is moving in her stomach, wouldn't that tell you that my mother needs more urgent and attentive care, but instead they ignore the call light for a few hours until the staff feels comfortable enough to address her?

Last night they had to call am ambulance for her, after being home only a few days. It was pretty hilarious to know that upon waking up this morning, after being left in total suspense by my brother who left nothing but an ominous text message the night prior, my mother was taking via ambulance to a hospital because she ate a full chocolate bar edible. She started seizing. And she didn't even know it was regular chocolate, not even sure why Johnny would leave that there for her. That's akin to giving someone a medication and not even telling them what it does. I am still wishing I knew the full story but I'mma let bygones be bygones. There is too much to deal with this week, let alone my mom having a bad trip after recovering from a hysterectomy.

I initially wrote this entry as a response to Raspberry, but I'm not sure what I can say. Even in the same mindset, my brain feels tuckered out of writing. It is tuckered out of doing anything. I'm on pause with AWS again. And when I tried to cancel my gym membership, they told me I can just transfer to another gym. I guess I need to be a bit more firm with my approach. Though it seems like everything lately is requiring a more firm hand. I'm not sure if it's just the suspense of starting a new job, or making myself fit with the role, but there's a lot of cognitive dissonance. I still enjoy being behind-the-scenes. Now I'm moving into an "administrative" role and I'm still not sure how that makes me feel. No one realistically likes to manage other people. It's a headache.

Patient-centered. Respect for diversity. Values employees. Nimble. Fights for what's right. More corporate buzzwords to memorize masquerading as "core values." Even if I integrate these values at work, will they help me do my job? Or will the integration just add to my workload? I keep wondering why I am aiming to have some epiphany about who I am and what I want to do, but I know that I need to fail much more for that to happen. And I don't like failing. I don't think anyone likes failing. We hiveminds enjoy success and all the perks that come with it. We like being able to brag and thinking that we are finally getting the things we deserve.

That's the question I keep asking myself. Did I get what I deserve or am I jumping the gun? Do I sharpen my skills in the clinical setting even after investing so much time in tech? Even if I did continue to invest time in tech, would it be rewarding as my upcoming role? So many questions and not enough answers. It feels like this is the "grinding" part of the game where you don't see any "progress" until years later. And there is a tiny voice in my head telling me that progress is not linear. I want to believe that. I do. I think it would make life a little easier if it was just story quests and side tasks. I could gain experience and "level up," in a way that actually felt fulfilling. But leveling up in this world means more problems to manage and more capability to manage them. More communication. More energy.

Starting tomorrow there are 4 days left at my current job. Thursday will be my last day. And I can finally compartmentalize everything in that chapter of my life to something more manageable. I want my focus to be exceeding at this new job, even if I didn't exceed at any of the other ones. Maybe I'm not meant to be a nurse and that's fine. I still want to know if I can be a manager. I want to know if I can improve my reading comprehension, my Spanish speaking ability, my charisma, my all of the above. I want to know if I can get a One Piece 2 year time-skip too, where suddenly I'm hotter and smarter and way more powerful than I was before. How can I think of nothing but the outcome?

On Abbott Elementary, the custodian says that dreams can be a distraction as much as they can be goals. It shook something inside of me. How much time have I spent wanting to be what others think I could be good at? How much time have I spent whirring around the possibilities in my head of being something other than what I currently am? I just am who I am. As each day gets closer to embracing the new role, I feel that I finally have to retire some of the old roles behind. Roles that have brought me great comfort over the years. The anti-nosy stoner friend. The kind and energetic green nurse. The lazybones who can't cook for himself. The gaming fanatic that could spend days on a low budget mobile indie piece. Yet it feels like I'm killing these off, when they feel inherent to me. The "bad" sides of me are the parts of me I can't diminish or eliminate. I want to throw it all away, restart the game, and begin in a new save file. The problem is I'm permanently locked into this file and I can always start a new one, but with my previous data intact and influencing the game. My memories. My history. That can't go away. Of course, they stay permeated in my brain influencing every decision I ever make. "We're supposed to be collages of the people we love."

I can keep pretending that I don't have to live like an adult because things would be easier that way. But I feel that I am killing my husband's love for me. I feel like I am killing the expectations my friends and family have held of me. Worst of all, I'm not sure I'm ready to kill the bad parts of myself, even if it meant sacrificing for a happier or healthier future. I weigh these things in my head constantly unsure of what to do next, who to be next. Be myself, or be the version of myself which seems approximate enough to who I think I really am?

How can anyone live happily seeing all those shades of gray? The world is easier in black and white, but the gray is where all the beauty and tragedy lies. Pain and pleasure.

How many more years of my life have to pass me by before I can be the real "me"?

Just a subtly sweet, calm and collected dragon fruit.