Amber's ramblings
2023-04-30 21:13:02 (UTC)


Well it's been a weird day. It wasn't bad but it wasn't great. Just weird. Went to a flea market this morning and was looking at these nice fir coats. Was going to buy one until the woman told me they were real fir. I'm not about that. Then we did some shopping in Aldi and Tesco. Came home. Had to go back into town for my neighbour who wanted to go to B and Q. Came home. Cooked dinner. Remembered it was Sunday so back to Tesco because I forgot to get tobacco. Came home and went back out almost straight away to the other side of town to pick up some garden chairs. It may not sound a lot but it's a 15 minute drive into town from where I live.

One of the people I booked to have a photo shoot with at comic con has cancelled. I'm gutted but I got a refund. Sad that he won't be there as I was looking forward to meeting him but these things happen.

I have just almost killed myself trying to turn some outside lights on. At first I tried to do it by standing on the back seat of my car but I couldn't reach. So I backed the car up and tried standing in the boot. Still couldn't reach. Finally decided to hunt for the ladder in the dark. I don't like hights. But I managed to get them on. Could have been done in 5 minutes if I had gone straight for the ladder. Instead it took half an hour of moving the car back and forth into position. Ah well it's done now. And they look so pretty. Hopefully it will annoy the right people. Yeah I'm talking about hootie tootie. She doesn't like anything cheerful. She keeps trying to get mum and dad to move to a van closer to her. Even to the point of trying to get her other daughter involved. If she says anything to me about it I will tell her where to go. It's their choice where they live. I wouldn't move from their van it's the best one here. And they don't want to move. She is so controlling. She told the site manager that she would find someone to rent the empty vans because she didn't want anymore people from other countries to live here. She is so racist I can't believe it. She also hates kids and doesn't want them living here. There is a kid on site and a few weeks ago I gave him my scooter to play on. He was so happy with it. And the other day she said she hoped he fell off and hurt himself. How mean is that. He's only little. I'd say he's probably about 7 or 8. Lovely little lad so polite and always smiles and waves at me. He's not doing any harm she's just a mean old sour faced bitch. Karma will sort her out eventually.

Still getting bad headaches. I've lost count of how many pain killers I've taken today. I'll be glad on Thursday when I know for sure if it's high blood pressure or not. Hopefully that's what it is and the doctor can give me medication for it.

On Friday I have my appointment with the mental health team. They better listen to us this time and not just discharge me like they did at the beginning of the year. I don't think mum and dad will let them though. And mum said she won't let them keep me in. I 100% trust her and I can't say that about anyone else in my life.

I never have said the phrase I love you mum until tonight. And I meant it. I do love her. We had a bit of a laugh tonight. I'm glad I'm able to have fun with her. When I walked in dad was like are you here again. I said yeah you wanna make something of it. He laughed and said no. I'm getting more comfortable around him now. The issues I have with men are mine and nothing to do with him or how he treats me. He treats me like a daughter and he's never said or done anything to make me nervous. But because of how men have treated me in the past it's taking a while to get to this stage. He is lovely and I now know how a dad should be. He looks out for me. But I still find it easier to talk to mum. Which is ok because when we're talking he is watching things on his tablet so he's not really listening to us anyway. Mum tells him what's going on and that's ok. I don't mind that. So he knows what I've been through and always careful what he says. I love them both and how supportive they are. I wouldn't have got this far without them. I honestly don't know how they put up with me. One minute I'm fine and having a laugh with them. The next minute I'm crying and a wreck. Like on Friday I have no idea where the tears came from. I was just having a bad day. I don't normally cry Infront of people. Because when I was growing up if I showed any sign of weakness everyone would pounce on me. So I had to learn to keep everything inside and bottled up. Even now I don't cry when others are around. But I feel like I can with them. And mum holds my hand and tells me to let it out. She never pushes me to talk she lets me do it in my own time. Even if it takes a couple of days she never gets angry at me. Or critical of me. She is so understanding. I hope they never move. I couldn't cope with that.