AmberG

28/04

Had a really shit day today. Got to college and had a cigarette before going into the exam. And got a headache come on. Had to do it in pain. I think it went ok I should find out soon.

Went into town this afternoon and while I was parked someone hit my car. There is a nice scrape down the side now. They just drove off didn't leave a note or anything. Bastard.

Went to see mum tonight and out of nowhere I was crying. I think I was just overwhelmed by the day. I was ok yesterday so why was I crying tonight. Mum wanted to know why but I didn't know what to say. It wasn't a big thing I could point to. Just a lot of little things that built up. I don't need to bottle things up anymore. I can talk to her. We talked about going to the hospital next week. She knows I'm scared and she said she won't let them keep me there. I believe her. I know she will fight for me. I just find it hard to know how to deal with that. No one has ever fought for me before and no one has ever loved me like she does. And it scares me because I feel so unloveable and what if I say or do something to offend her. What if I make her mad or upset. That would be the worst feeling in the world. I don't want her to hate me. I know she doesn't but what if she does. I have to stop thinking like that. But I can't stop the voices telling me that. Sometimes I want to just cut my brain out to see if that stops them. I don't want to think these things. I don't want to feel these things. Why can't I be normal.