Life of secrets
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2023-04-28 15:40:56 (UTC)


Opened up an Instagram story today and of course someone else has given birth to their second child since I’ve been trying for my first.

Feeling pretty low today. Same as yesterday and the day before that. I’m not entirely sure what to do with my life. People say life isn’t all about children but it kind of feels like it is, for me. I never really wanted anything else.

I suppose the other things I’d like in life are having a home, which seems to be the second hardest thing to achieve in my life. And I’d love to travel. But I need money for that, and I don’t really have that to spare right now.

It’s our 5th wedding anniversary in June and I’m tempted to book a holiday but it feels like with the house stuff going on, it would come at a really awkward time (financially). Would it be sensible? Probably not.

I just feel like life is pretty dull right now and has been for a while. Either everything costs money or it’s unobtainable.

I wonder sometimes, when will I truly give up on having children? 2 and a half years is a long time to be trying for a child with no luck. I mean, I’m pretty sure it can’t happen for me. For whatever reason - and I’ve been given many… stagnant energy, a cold womb, I’m too anxious, I’m trying too hard, I’m focusing on it too much…. Of course I am! Wouldn’t you be? I mean I was pretty chill for the first 6 months. Then 9 months was a bit like, err this is taking longer than I thought… a year was daunting. But 2 years was like fuck.

Now it’s been more than 2 years. I think it’s more than ‘fuck’ now. I don’t think I have any words, now.

Nothings moving forward with the house either at the moment. And it’s bank holiday weekend so I guess nothing will happen for a little while.