Life of secrets
2023-04-27 06:39:59 (UTC)


Yesterday was a bad day. A bad bad day.

I don’t know whether I’ve got some sort of adult ADHD or ADD or manic disorder or something. I was never ever like this a few years ago. Marriage broke me. COVID broke me. I feel like a completely different person. I do not feel like me anymore.

I genuinely feel like I don’t have control over my own actions. And I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m sure, if I saw the right professional, they’d say something and I’d have a lightbulb moment, like yes! That’s me! And this is why I do what I do! But right now I don’t have the time or the money to search for the right therapist. And I’ve had some pretty bad experiences with them. I know how hard it is to find the right one.

Over my lifetime, I’ve had various therapists. My mother put me in therapy at a young age - no one realised she was the actual problem. Neither did I.

I had one therapist who never said a word for the whole hour and I didn’t either so my mum would drop me off, and pick me up, paying for me to sit in a room with a woman and just stare at the floor. She made £90 for being silent.

I had another in my teens, who told me I needed to get in touch with my inner child. And that she often speaks to her inner child. In fact, the other day she asked her inner child “what do you want?” And her inner child said “ice cream” so she went and got ice cream.

When I had issues in my marriage (I mean real big ones) I saw someone who repeatedly told me to leave my husband. Despite the fact that by law they cannot tell you what to do, she did. And I did leave him. And it was traumatic. And yes we are now back together.

I had one who told me she slept in a bed with dead spirits.

You know, I could go on but I’ll stop at that one. I think we get the idea. They’ve not all been bad but they’re also not all helped me. I was in therapy not long ago, spent all my money on her, and nothing has changed.

Reiki has helped me a lot. Yet I can’t seem to kick this sudden loss of control.

For example, yesterday my anxiety was high. I’m due on today, and despite a bunch of “psychics” telling me I’d conceive or have conceived, I knew I hadn’t. But of course I had hope. So when they hope came crashing down for the millionth time, I sort of lost control. I went to MORE psychics. Why why why??? Why do I do that? They’re all WRONG! And so of course they’ve told me next month will be the month. Some said July. One of them that has always told me June, now says it won’t be June.

What are the chances I’ll get to the end of this year and still not be pregnant?

In my little mind, I think no… surely not. Surely not another year with nothing!

But my little head if often wrong.

The thing that pisses me off is that I wake up, like this morning, and I feel that “what have I done” feeling like I’d feel after a night out of drinking. That’s how I feel after I’ve had a day like yesterday. Full of binge eating (this is most days now and yes another thing I feel I can’t control), and psychic bingeing.

I’ve told myself (and whether I can listen to myself or do it is a different story), that may is the last month of not trying for a baby so I’m going to take this month as the month where I act like myself again. Control my eating. Control my actions. Be how I used to be. Lose some weight. I can lose a lot of weight in one month. I’ll feel better for it. It’ll do me the world of good. And just don’t worry about getting pregnant. Do everything I wouldn’t do if I wanted to get pregnant.

I’d like to do this for May.

I’d really like to do this for May…. I want me back.