Amber's ramblings
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2023-04-24 07:22:42 (UTC)


I keep getting headaches. Last night was really bad. So bad that I was throwing up which just made it worse. I still had it this morning. Saw dad as I was going into Aldi. He said I've been getting headaches a lot lately and he thinks I could need glasses. So I booked an appointment to get my eyes checked. I am supposed to wear them for reading but I lost those glasses years ago. Mum said if I do need to wear them I'd be more like one of hers because all to women in her family needs them.

Weird dreams last night. Not good ones. But I didn't wake up crying like I do sometimes.

Had a good evening with the parents. Told mum about what I had to do when I was in care. I was scared of telling but she squeezed my hand and said it doesn't change anything. She is the best mum in the world. I love her so much. And I will forever be grateful to her for being there for me. Not judging me and taking me in like she did. I don't want to think of what would have happened if I didn't go to her. I was in a really bad place. I got home that day and stood outside my van trying not to cry. And I knew I was in trouble. I'm not good at expressing when I need help. But I was so close to ending it that day. I had a lot of pain killers and when I stood outside I knew if I went in I would take them all. I didn't even think about where to go I just found myself knocking on her door. The next day I called the doctor and made an appointment. Then that evening I didn't feel safe on my own. So I went back and mum took me in. Offered to come to the appointment with the mental health team. She calmed me down I couldn't stop crying which considering who was there at the time I really was in a bad place. Because I don't cry Infront of people at all. Except mum. She wouldn't let me go until I was feeling better. She saved my life that day. I still have the thoughts of I wasn't worth saving. And mum and dad would be better off if I hadn't gone to them that day. But mum is glad I did and so am I. She has pulled me through so many times these last few months. There have been so many times I've been sobbing my eyes out and I've gone to them because I didn't want to hurt them by doing something stupid. Even now tonight I don't want to go on. But I'm trying so hard not to act on it because of what it would do to them. I won't put them through that. But I don't feel strong and I just have to remember their love and try to get through the night. It's so hard. But next week I have an appointment with the mental health team and both of them will be there with me. It's not easy for me to talk so them being there they won't take no for an answer. They will say the things I need to say. Mum knows me so well now and she knows what I need them to do. And mum and dad won't leave until they listen to us.

I think I need to give up on my bestie. How can I still call her my bestie when I've been trying to catch up with her and she ignores me. I feel so let down. If she needed me I would be there in a second. But when I need her she's not there. What am I supposed to do. She messaged me last week saying we'll catch up soon. But she hasn't bothered. I'm just glad I have my new family now. I have them to love and support me. And I do the same for them. They are who are important now. I've tried everything to get together with her and she obviously doesn't want to. So I'm done trying. If she wants to message me she knows where I am. I'm not going to be so quick to jump when she calls. I've had enough. I know she's busy at work but she doesn't work weekends. We could even meet in the evening but I'm not trying anymore.