Life of secrets
I hate that I’ve learned to put up with certain behaviours. Really toxic behaviours. Growing up, my mums moods were unpredictable. I never knew how she’d react to me or what I said or did and I never knew what mood she would be in from one minute to the next. She was like living with Jekyll and Hyde.
I married someone who is the same as my mother.
He’s been in a mood all day. Every time I asked if he was ok, he’d say he’s fine. If I asked whether id done something, he wouldn’t say yes or no. He’d just say he’s fine. I told myself multiple times during the day, don’t pay attention to him. Yet I’d find myself asking over and over what’s wrong because his behaviour portrayed that there was in fact something wrong, but he just wouldn’t say. It’s emotional torture.
Then just as quickly as he got in the mood, he was out of it. And I have no idea why. He’s fine now. And I’m sitting here bruised from the inside.
It’s an emotional roller coaster for me. I wish I could just shut it off and perhaps it’s something I really need to actively try to do. When he’s like this, just focus inwards on myself, until he’s ready to be normal again. Asking what’s wrong and never getting an actual answer is just hurting myself.
I resent him a lot. For all that he’s done to me. Same with my mum. I know I’m due on and emotional, but I was thinking earlier today that my biggest regret in my whole life was marrying him. Hands down, that’s my biggest regret.
I forgot to mention that I got an email on Friday from our landlord saying we either agree to a 12 month contract with an extra £300 rent or we leave. I’ve not responded yet. We can’t agree to a 12 month contract since we don’t know what’s going on with buying the house. And we can’t give them notice since we don’t know what’s going on with the house…….. So that’s just another spanner thrown into the works!