AmberG

23/04

I'm about to lose my shit. Trying to have a conversation with my niece Emma. And all she is doing is fucking singing. I'm so pissed off with it now. I need someone to come and rescue me.

Had a good evening with mum. We had a laugh mostly. I did have a bit of a quiet moment but mum kept talking and I got through it.

I've been thinking tonight about when I was in the kids home. It was my 14th birthday and one of the older kids came up to me and said he had something for my birthday. So me and my bestie followed him. At the bottom of the garden we climbed over a fence into a field and to a tin shed. I regret what happened next. He pulled out a can of gas and proceeded to inhale it. Next up was my bestie and finally me. I don't know why I did it. But I did. I hated the feeling and just watched them taking it. They had a great time. Me not so much. My mother already had issues with my bestie and if we had been caught we never would have had contact again. It was stupid and I do regret it but nothing else happened. And no one ever found out. He was an older lad he was 18. I don't know why he was still there I thought once you turned 18 you left care but he didn't. I'm only saying this because I wasn't a perfect kid and in fairness I'll talk about things I did wrong. I wasn't proud of myself for that. I should have walked away but I stayed because of her. I didn't want anything to happen to her with him. I didn't trust him as he was one of them that bullied me. Actually they all did.

I moved out of there after the riot. They all blamed me for starting it. Even the staff blamed me. It wasn't comfortable staying there after that happened. And I was soon moved into foster care. My first foster mother was great. But I was told it would only be for 2 weeks but I didn't believe my social worker because I had been told I would only be the kids home for one night. I was there about 5 months. After 2 weeks though they moved me in with another family. And that's when things started to go wrong. My new foster mother gave me problems from the start. I got a criminal record because of her. I wouldn't mind but I wasn't even shoplifting that day. I was just with the kid who was. He wasn't being subtle about it either. So I got arrested with him. I'm not saying I was innocent because I did have to do that. I would have to nick what I could sell so I could buy cigarettes. Since she refused to give me pocket money I had to make money the only way I could.

I was in town one day with my bestie and this guy approached us. He looked at me and asked if I'd give him a hand job for £20. I said ok but he didn't leave it at that. He wanted full sex for £50. I said no to that but asked how much. We went to a subway under the train lines behind the bus station. I gave him his hand job and he left. I hated doing it but I needed the money. I never would have done that if I had been given the pocket money I was supposed to be getting.

I'm feeling like a failure tonight. I hate feeling like this. The problem is I have too much time to think at night. I miss him. I miss the way we were in the beginning. We talked all the time and he made me so happy. We would talk from 10 am till the early hours sometimes. We never wanted to say goodbye. But I have to try to remember what it was like at the end. He hardly talked to me and he would go days even weeks sometimes. I didn't know where I stood. I don't wish any bad feelings on him. I hope he's happy and moving on. I know I need to. I just don't want to. I thought we'd be together forever because that's what he always said. He told me nothing would make him leave me. And then we have yet another argument and he ends it. He broke my heart and I can't forgive him for that. And I can't take him back because if I did he would know that he can do anything and I will let him get away with it. There was a time when I would have done anything for him. But we used to have the same argument every few months. There was something he wanted me to do that I didn't want to do but was gonna do it anyway for him. But that wasn't good enough. He wanted me to want to do it. And that just wasn't going to happen. And every time he mentioned it we would end up arguing. The first time he mentioned it I said I didn't want to do it. But he kept on and he kept on mentioning it. I told him I would do it but he knew I didn't want to and he would start an argument. I couldn't do anything right. He was like I want you to enjoy it. And I told him over and over again that there's no way I would ever enjoy that but I loved him and was going to do it. I told him a few times to find someone else who would like that. But it wasn't me. And he said he didn't want anyone else just me. I gave him plenty of chances to walk away but he always stayed. I fell more and more in love with him every day. So when he ended it it was like he reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. I watched him shred it to bits and leave me broken and battered. He promised never to hurt me and yet he did. Why am I still crying over him. He doesn't deserve my tears. I know that. But my heart still wants him. I miss him so much