AmberG

22/04

Today wasn't too bad. Although I did get caught by hootie tootie trying to talk to me. Not gonna happen. She slags me off behind my back and is alright to my face. Can't be dealing with people like that.

Had a good evening with mum and dad. I was in a better mood after the last week. After talking to mum yesterday it was good to get things out. And knowing that she is going to be there for support when things get tough when I'm ready for things to come out. I'm scared but mum won't let me go through it alone. And she will know when I'm ready. It's not going to be for a while yet. But I'm ready it's a comfort knowing she will take my hand and guide me through it. She said she needs to get me up and on the right medication.

I was talking to a friend earlier. I was telling him about mum. I said until I met her I didn't know what a parent's love felt like. I know she genuinely loves me and cares. I love her too. I love them both though I'm still a bit nervous with dad. I've never had a good relationship with men and I know he's lovely and will always protect me. I know he will never say or do anything to hurt me. I just need to get in my head and relax a bit. I have a laugh with him sometimes when I'm not crying. He said tonight that he likes it when I'm happy. I don't like going over there when I'm down because I do cry when I am. And it upsets dad.

But I've been trying for the last few days to talk to mum and she knew there was something I needed to talk about. She didn't put any pressure on me to talk she just took my hand and me say it in my own time. And then she hugged me so tight. And when she does that I really feel the love from her. And I never want to let go. Mum just hugs me until I'm feeling better. She always knows when I don't want to let go. Even though sometimes I can't breathe properly I don't care. If that's how I die that's how I die.

I talk about mum a lot here. I know I talk to much. But I can't help it. I really genuinely never that kind of relationship with my biological mother. Back in 2011 I was in the hospital having a breakdown. And I can remember one of the nurses arguing with me about loving my mum and I kept saying no. Why would I love someone who constantly puts me down and criticized me all the time. I have no doubt that my siblings loves her but they didn't have my childhood. I'm not gonna say I was an angel child but I didn't deserve what I got and how I got treated by everyone.

There have been a few times over the years where I needed a parent to guide me. But I was never able to go to either of them. Like when I got pregnant when I was 14. I was scared and alone and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. And the one time I went to them was when I was being stalked. And all they could say was who'd want to stalk you you're too fat and ugly for a stalker. Yeah that was the love I got from my biological parents. My mum and dad now wouldn't be like that. They would support me. And I thought if my own parents don't believe me how could I go to the police for help. So I left it. And about a year later was when he was following me to work and grabbed me and pinned me against a wall. It was a quiet street and that time of the morning there was no one around. He made sure of that. I had to quit my job. Which didn't bother me too much because I didn't get on too well with my supervisor. I was working in a factory making women's underwear. The job itself was ok but when you've got someone standing over you almost screaming at you to go faster it does get to you. And I couldn't cope. With that and everything else that was going on. So I left there. But it didn't matter. He always knew where I was. When I was on college doing childcare I had to do work experience in a nursery. He waited outside the school all day until I finished. It was scary because I knew what he was like and my main concern was the children. At that point in time I didn't care what happened to me but I didn't know what he could do to the little ones. So I had to move 3 hours away just to get rid of him. Even now I'm scared that he will find me. And I never use public transport now. I don't feel safe on it. And that's down to him. Wherever I went be it by bus or train he was always there.

I'm getting worried about the warmer weather coming. I love the summer don't get me wrong. I hate being cold. But with warm weather I won't be able to hide under my hoodie and at the moment it scares me. Most of the time I don't need to hide when I'm with mum but occasionally I do.

Talking about my biological mother. There was one time about a year before she died. So my nephew ant was staying with her and he had a motorbike which someone tried to steal when he was at work one night. So it was in the garage being repaired. So my mother was going away and he needed someone to take him over to get his bike. I had plans that day but said I would do it. And changed my plans. So I got there like I said I would to be told it wouldn't be ready till the next day. I said I couldn't do it because I had plans and they went mental at me. My mother called me useless and kicked me out of her house. I sat in the car for about half hour just crying. I wasn't being unreasonable. I changed my plans to take him. It wasn't my fault the bike wasn't ready. I was seeing my boyfriend Jez. We didn't get to see that much of each other because we lived in different towns and he worked a lot. He was ok with me changing the day but I wasn't prepared to change it again. Why should I. The next day I suddenly got an out of the blue message from an old family friend asking if I would go and take ant to the garage. I was so mad. I calmly explained the situation to him and he totally understood. I had no issue taking him but I wasn't going to change my plans again. Was I wrong?