Amber's ramblings
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2023-04-21 21:15:26 (UTC)


Had a crap morning in college. It was the last lesson before the exam next week. Not looking forward to it. He hasn't taught us enough to get us through it. So I'm probably going to fail. And you what I don't even care. Hopefully the English course next year will be better.

Had a good chat with mum today. I tried so hard not to get upset because dad doesn't like to see me like that. I cried a bit but not much considering what we were talking about. Mum said I'm not ready yet to do what I need to do. But when I am ready she will be there to support me. I'm scared of what will happen when the truth comes out. But I know in my heart that it needs to be done.

Dad asked me if he could come to my appointment with the mental health team in 2 weeks. I've never felt so supported and cared about. Of course I said yes. So him and mum will be with me.

I think when I'm ready for the truth to come out I will start with Emma. She knows what he was like when I was growing up. So she knows how bad things were. But she only saw part of it. She doesn't know to what extent it went to.

I am feeling better today than I have been the last few days. And that is down to mum and dad. Mum mostly because she squeezed my hand and let me get things off my chest. I've been trying for a few days to get out what I needed to say. But I finally did it tonight. He ruined my life. It's still affecting me today. And I know what needs to be done now. But I can't do it until my medication has been changed to something that works. I need to be strong and I'm not at the minute.

I love how mum and dad treat me like one of their own. I just hope I don't get too much for them. I can be really needy at times. I admit that. I can be clingy and I don't ever want it to get to the point where they dread me going to see them. Mum said that won't happen but it's hard to believe it when it's happened so many times before. But I'm trying not to listen to the voices. I'm trying to remember she loves me and it's all in my head.

I need to not cry anymore. Because I know there's only so much one person can take. And I don't want mum worrying about me. She's there if I need her but I always feel like I'm a bother to her. And she's never given me any reason to believe that. It is all in my head. And I know I need to sort it out. I find it so hard to trust people now. But I fully trust mum. She knows almost everything about me. I don't need to hide from her. She is my mum now and all the family has accepted me as one of them.

At some point in the future before I do what I need to do I will need to talk to my sister. I'm really dreading that. I really don't want her to know or any of my biological family. But it will all come out at some point. I wonder if I can do it on my own. I might not. I'm sure if I asked, mum will come with me. Just for moral support. But she is doing so much already I don't want to ask.

I haven't heard from him again for a few days. I don't get it. He wants me back but he ignores me. I don't know what to think anymore.