I am so exhausted. All I want to do is sleep for a few weeks until my appointment. I'm trying to stay positive because dad doesn't like seeing me upset. He doesn't like it when I cry. But for the last few nights that's all I've done.
Why do I find it so hard to talk about things. I know it's because every time I open up I end up getting badly hurt. That's why I don't trust people now. Except mum. I was trying to talk to her tonight. It didn't go well. I kept trying. But I couldn't get the words right. She held my hand and let me take my time. She said it's ok if we just sat in silence. I managed to talk about some things but not what I've been trying to say. I'll have another go tomorrow. I just have to not cry. Mum is a great parent. She has been so great with me but I sometimes feel like she regrets taking me in. I don't blame her. I'm a mess and I annoy her. I know I bother them. They say I don't but in my head I do. I need to stop those thoughts. I have to believe mum when she tells me it's ok. I have to believe her when she says I'm not a bother. I wanted to go see her this morning. But I knew I would be bothering her so I text her instead. I cooked their tea and took it over. I think I went a bit overboard with how much I did. But I wanted to make sure they had enough. They couldn't eat it all. I'm glad I did enough. The worst thing is when someone cooks for you and you're left still hungry.
When I was younger my biological parents didn't give a shit. They let me watch horror films. They didn't care about the content in anything they let me watch. No horror film scares me now. I've been with people who have almost shit themselves at horror movies. They don't faze me. The things they made me watch was inappropriate for a child so young. The only nightmares I get is from flashbacks.
The abuse I suffered was bad. But the neglect was just as traumatizing. It was so bad they didn't even wash my clothes. So I was always dirty. A lot of the time they didn't give me clothes at all. It was humiliating sitting with the family and not wearing anything. I must have been 8 or 9 when it stopped. I was easy pickings for the abuse. He didn't have to try very hard. It stopped when I went into care. I mean it had to because if I wasn't there he couldn't touch me. I was 13 when I went into care but I never felt free. And I still don't. My biological parents are no longer around. And I don't have anything to do with any of my brother's. And I can't believe that no one knew it was going on. It was happening in my parents house under their noses. So how did they not know. Or were they covering it up. I don't believe they had no idea. They must have done. And I don't understand why social services never looked into what was happening. I know I couldn't talk about it then but how did they not look into the family. I guess the problem was my family knew how to hide things. And social services were never going to go against them. I really don't believe that they weren't aware of what was happening. Even if I couldn't say it then a trained professional should have picked up on something. But if they did they didn't want to help. They listened to what my family said. I was a problem child. Always in trouble at school. And no one ever asked why. And when I went into care I was called a liar. My social worker never listened to me. He never even tried to investigate what was going on. I was let down in so many ways.
I have trust issues now. All my mental health problems wouldn't exist now if someone had been there to support me. So now when mum takes my hand and tells me she will always be there it's really hard to believe her. And the problem is because I was never shown love when I was growing up I don't know how to accept it. And I can be clingy and needy. Because I know it's just a matter of time before I'm abandoned and left alone again. It's not that I push people away. Not all the time anyway. Yes I get scared and I do push people away but not all the time. I go through stages. At the moment I'm believing that mum loves me and she genuinely cares. But that can all change. And I don't want it to change. Because when things change that's when I start pushing people away. And no one has ever stuck around to prove that I'm worth fighting for. At the moment mum is there giving me support. I've always had to do things on my own. But I have family now. Mum won't let me go. I need to talk to her. I need to be able to say what I need to say and get her advice. Because I don't know what to do. I'm ready now to talk about what happened. But am I ready for the fallout. I'm confused about everything. I really need to get it out of my head. But am I really ready for what will happen if I do. I don't know anymore. I will talk to mum tomorrow and see what she thinks. All I will say is I will need her support more than ever if I'm going to go through with it. And I don't know if it's the right thing to do.