Amber's ramblings
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2023-04-20 11:14:46 (UTC)

20/04 am

No sleep again last night. How am I still functioning. So much shit in my head and I don't know how to get it out. I wish I can talk to mum. I know she won't judge me. And she will understand. I just don't know how to find the words. I love her and I trust her and I know she will always listen. And I will always listen to her advice. It's not just about finding the right words. I sometimes wonder if I'm saying too much. Or am I saying enough. Is she getting bored or tired of me. Because that's how I feel most of the time. I know it's not true but it's so hard.

I had to have ago at him the other day. He was being disgusting. We were talking about mum and he was saying how he's glad that I have her support. Then he went on to say it's a shame she's married. He went on and I told him I don't see her like that. She is my mum and I love her as a mother. I can't believe he would say something like that. He wants me to get with a woman because I said I'm not interested in men now. Not while I'm still healing from him. I don't want anyone else. If the last few days have proved anything it's that I'm not ready to move on. I don't know if I ever will be but right now he needs to stop trying to set me up with people. He's only doing it so he still has control. I don't know if it was love with him. He said he loved me but the way he treated me told me different. I know I loved him but he really couldn't have felt the same. He told me we'd be together forever. And then this all kicked off and I was left battered and broken. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I was alone and I was in serious trouble. I was desperate for help. I got home that day and I stood outside my van trying to hold back the tears. Without thinking about it I went to see mum. She took me in and calmed me down. She could easily have turned me away but she didn't. She is the nicest person I have ever met. And over these last few months she's cared for me and shown me she loves me. And it is still weird to me that a mum could love me like that when my biological parents didn't give a shit. She is so kind and caring and she has so far save my life. I don't want to think about what could have happened. Had I not gone over there I know I wouldn't be here now. Especially as we've had to fight every step of the way to get treatment. I would have given up a long time ago. But mum took my hand and pulled me through. My appointment with the mental health team is still so far away. I have to make it to that appointment. This really is the last chance. If I don't get sorted this time I am going to give up. I can't fight anymore I don't have the psychical or mental strength to keep fighting. And honestly the only reason I'm still here is because because I've had mum supporting me and fighting for me. I don't think anyone else in my life would do even half the things she does. I mean I knew she was nice but I wasn't expecting things to go the way they did. I wasn't expecting to still be here if I'm honest.