Amber's ramblings
2023-04-19 19:21:56 (UTC)


I've been feeling really low today. He messaged me and asked how I was doing. I said I am in desperate need of a long tight hug. I got several when I went to see mum and dad. I really needed them. I really didn't want to leave again tonight. I felt safe there. I didn't want to come home. I know there's nothing here that can hurt me so I know I'm safe. But I feel so lonely and I know I shouldn't. I have mum and dad. I have Linda and Neil. I know I could call Linda or Neil right now and they would be here. But I can't call them. I don't know what to say. I've never been good at expressing how I feel or what I need. Mum always knows how I feel and if I need something. We talked about him tonight. It's like I'm trying to drag myself out of this dark hole. And every time I hear from him I fall all over again. How does he still have so much power over me. He knows what he's doing to me. Mum said I shouldn't give him another chance. And she's right. I have to listen to her. Because she has been there for me picking up the pieces that he left me in. She knows me better than I know myself sometimes. We talked about the assessment we have at the mental health unit in 2 weeks. I asked her not to let them section me. I can't go into hospital I remember last time what happened. It was 2011 and I was in the middle of a breakdown. I was attending the day hospital and one night I had to stay. It was horrible. I couldn't stop crying from the moment they said I had to stay till the moment Jim came and got them to release me the next afternoon. They gave me a sleeping pill but it didn't do anything. I spent the night sitting in the corner of my room crying and rocking. It was terrifying I didn't think they would ever let me go. I was in a state when they kept me in. But being there made things a whole lot worse. I was broken. I had given up. They would have sectioned me if it hadn't been for Jim. Back then I was going to appointments on my own. Jim came to a couple with the doctor but mostly it was just me. My biological family didn't know anything. This time I have mum fighting my corner. She won't let us leave until she's happy with the plan. We won't let them fob me off this time. And she's going to speak up. She didn't last time because she didn't know me as well as she does now. She will make them listen. She's determined. No one has ever had my back like she does.

We talked about the day I went to her. I said I dread to think what would have happened if I hadn't gone to her. She agreed. She said she's glad she was able to save me. I told her I wasn't worth saving. But thanked her. Things are pretty difficult right now. And I have to hide how I feel. The only person I don't have to hide from is mum. And that's because she sees through the fake smiles and the mask I wear. She sees into my eyes and she knows what I'm feeling. And no amount of fake smiles will stop her seeing. I am trying so hard to be ok I don't want to keep crying on mum every time go over there. She says she doesn't mind but I don't think she likes it. I know dad doesn't. It's because they like to see me happy and not upset. Being happy would be a miracle. I just want to be ok. I need to get out of this dark place. I have to do it for them. I have to somehow make it to the 5th of may. I'm holding on to the thought that they might actually listen and do something to help me.

I'm still cuddling this bare dad gave me. I was all night last night. And I will be tonight. I think I know why it's giving me so much comfort. I'm going to sound weird and I don't know if it's a me thing or part of the EUPD. I think it's part of the EUPD. But it smells of mums perfume and I just close my eyes hug it and she's right here with me.

I'm cooking them dinner tomorrow. I hope I don't mess it up. I mess everything else up in my life.

I feel like a disappointment. I've done nothing with my life. I had to give up working in the nursing home because I had to be a carer for my biological parents. Just because I'm the youngest it fell to me. The only one without kids. It's what was expected. I guess it was my own fault. They moved 3 hours away and basically left me homeless. They found me a bedsit it was disgusting and just dumped me there with all my stuff. At the time I had a stalker. He's already attacked me and had me pinned up against a wall. I was going through hell. I had no support around me. Working all hours and not having enough to live on. After paying the rent I was left with very little to live on. I couldn't eat most days. It was there I hit a low point and I started to self harm. As soon as I made the first cut I felt so calm. And I was doing more and more every day. It became an addiction and I couldn't stop. It was something I could control. When everything around me was out of control I need to hurt because it was the one thing I could do and it calmed me down. People started to notice. I had to wear long sleeves to cover them up but sometimes one would show itself and someone would see. I was doing some work with clay and after I had to wash my hands. A work colleague came over to me and within a few seconds she had pulled my sleeves up to reveal everything. It happened so fast I didn't have time to stop her. I just looked at her shocked and she pulled the sleeve back down. Apologized and walk off. We had a chat later. She was just shocked but understood. Things got pretty bad and I had no one to turn to. My friends all had young kids so I didn't see them and I lost contact with a few. One day I snapped and called my mother. She came and picked me up a few days later. We stored all my things in her caravan and I went to stay with them. It was a mistake. I didn't have a room so I had no privacy. I was halfway up a mountain and I couldn't drive. So I was stuck there. Nothing to do. After about a week I'd had enough and my father got into a massive argument with me. I found myself outside sobbing. The next day I went to the caravan with their dog just so I wouldn't be lonely. Like that was going to work. I was in the middle of nowhere on a caravan park seeing my mother maybe twice a week to get some shopping in. Apart from that I didn't see anyone. If I was lonely before it was nothing to how I was staying there. It didn't take long before I was offered a flat. And I went to work in the nursing home at the end of the road. I stayed in that job for about 6 months. I hated it. I was on nights and it was just me and a nurse on duty. So I couldn't socialise with other carers. And when I wasn't working I was catching up on sleep. It never felt like home. And I hated living there. It got to the point where I was getting home in the morning and just sitting there sobbing my eyes out. I'm sure the upstairs neighbours could hear. I couldn't cope with anything. I was crying all the time and the doctor had to sign me off for while. And I realised I couldn't do that job anymore.

I signed up for college to try and make some friends. I did make one but we lost contact after the course finished. I tried so hard but I couldn't keep up with the assessments. One day the tutor was discussing what people wanted to do after the course. When she got to me I said I was applying for university to train as a social worker. She turned to me and said I would never be good enough to get into university and moved on to the next person. I walked out of the class and started smoking again. I had given up for a couple of months but after her comment it was either punch her or smoke. I've never punched anyone in my life. I don't like confrontation but she really got to me. I refused to go to anymore of her lessons and dropped out about a month before the end.

When my father got ill it was decided that I would be his carer. I didn't want to do it. But couldn't say no. If I hadn't have moved there I wouldn't have been made to do it. All my life I've been told what to do. So this was no different. He died a few years later. And I had to become my mothers carer. I had to learn to drive because she was getting to the point where she wasn't safe anymore.

I don't remember crying when my father died. Even at his funeral. I had to wear sunglasses to hide the fact that I wasn't crying. It was the same thing with my mother. In fact when she died I felt relieved. At this point I was living in a house with Laura. I still hated living there and I couldn't stop thinking about moving back home. In 2020 I started looking into going back. Then COVID hit and we went into lockdown. So it took a year to be able to do it.

A lot of shit went down and everything was up in the air. Until I found this place. I think the shit I went through to get here was a great thing to happen. If that hadn't have happened I never would have moved here. And when things went bad with him I wouldn't have been able to find mum. Because I wouldn't have known her. So I'm glad it happened. Obviously not at the time. I had to run for my life. It was scary. I got chased by 2 massive women. Anyway that was in the past. So I can't change it I need it to get out of my head.

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