Amber's ramblings
2023-04-18 20:10:49 (UTC)

18/04 pm

Spent a lot of time with mum today. I went over before lunch because I was having a moment. I needed to not be on my own. Dad went out so I stayed with mum for a while. I have to fill out a form to take back to the mental health team when I go for my assessment. Mum said she will fill it out with me tomorrow. I have to put an emergency contact down and I asked if she would mind if I put her down. She said yes. I cried. She is my FP (favourite person for those that don't know) it used to be him. But since we broke up I've been lost. Until now.

After I left me and my friend decided on a picnic up at the hills. I was worried about leaving mum alone on the site and asked her if she wanted to come with us. At first she said no but I convinced her. We had a nice time up there. Even if it was really windy. I'm glad mum came with us. I really didn't want to leave her on her own. I know she would be ok but I was still worried.

I went to get my medication. I thought I was ok until I got there. I couldn't talk for so long but eventually I found my voice and we had a good chat. I told her I'm so tired of the constant change of being ok one minute and extremely low the next. I said I'm tired of hiding behind the mask and the only place I felt safe enough to let it slip is when I'm with her. And I told her about how I know she cares about me but I don't know how to deal with it. Because I've never felt that with my biological parents I never felt like they cared. I never felt like they loved me. I was a constant disappointment to them. A worthless waste of space. I know mum loves me and I love her I just don't know how to accept it. I thought he loved me but that can't have been love and now I'm confused about what love really is.

I didn't want to leave tonight. I really didn't want to leave. Mum hugged me goodbye like she does every night and I didn't want to let go. I held on for as long as I could. Then I went to hug dad goodbye like every night. I couldn't let go of him either. And then I was crying again. I don't know what was wrong with me tonight.

I'm hugging the bear dad gave me this morning. I need a name for it. Dad suggested angel. I said that's what he used to call me so it wasn't a good idea.

I went into myself tonight. Mum held my hand and sat with me in silence until I felt like I could come out. Hood up eyes closed trying so hard to hold back the tears. She squeezed my hand so I knew she was there. Dad tried to pull me out of it. He gets worried when I'm quiet. I said it last night and I'll say it again. I don't deserve them. I try so hard to keep away and only go over there for my medication. But it doesn't always work. As I was leaving tonight she told me she's there at any time if I need her. And I know she means it. But in my head every time I knock on that door they dread opening it in case it's me. And I know that's stupid. I know they don't think that. In my heart I know. But my head won't let me believe it. And my heart has always been wrong before. I don't want to listen to the voices in my head but how can I not. Sometimes they make sense. I know I should ignore them but it's so hard when they are so loud and so persistent. In this case I need my heart to win because I don't like what they're saying. About mum. About how she's going to be just like everyone else who promised to be there for me. Not one of them is still around. I'm trying so hard not to listen. They can't be right this time. Mum means the world to me and I can't think about her abandoning me. It can't be true. Can it? Oh god now I'm thinking it is true. Why am I thinking about this. Why have I let the voices in tonight. When I left tonight I told mum I would be ok. And now I'm falling apart because I overthink everything. And the voices tonight are winning. I can't fight them. I'm not strong enough. I hate that I need this much reassurance. It comes from the EUPD and also from the fact that everyone eventually leaves. And I'm used to it. And when it happens I'll just accept it. Because I saw him leaving a long time before he left. He was distant with me towards the end. And I knew it was a matter of time before he walked away. I have him so many chances to go. And every time he stayed I fell more in love with him and believed him a little more. And every time we had an argument and things got tough. We always came back stronger. That's why my heart still can't accept that it's really over this time. The voices knew months before it happened. My heart is broken into a million pieces and it still thinks we're getting back together. And it doesn't help that he still calls me angel. And I melt every time I hear it. He wants another try. Would it be so bad? What if he is my soulmate. What if he is my happy ever after and I just need to give him more time and wait longer for him. I need mum. No I have to get through this. I can't go through it again. And I know if I give him one more chance I will be in a constant cycle of him breaking me and mum picking up the pieces. He made his choice. Was I being unfair. Neither of us wanted this. He was forced into making that decision and he had no time to think. But it was him that ended it not me. I was too much in love with him to ever walk away. He told me it was over. I had no choice in it. Should I give him another chance.

This teddy bear is bringing me a lot of comfort tonight. I can't stop hugging it. I think I will be all night.