Amber's ramblings
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2023-04-18 05:47:56 (UTC)

18/04 am

Two hours of sleep last night. This is getting ridiculous now. I wanna disappear again. But after what happened last time I'm not going to put mum through that again. But I just want to run away. And the only thing keeping me is mum. Just run away and never come back. But she keeps me anchored. It's stupid o'clock in the morning and I want to talk to her. But it's too early. They wouldn't appreciate me knocking and waking them up. But I do feel like I'm going out of my mind. So many thoughts and too many voices all shouting at me. I need a break from my own head. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't fight now. What am I supposed to do. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live anymore. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I hadn't gone to see mum that day. I wouldn't be alive now I know that much. I love them both I honestly do but I keep thinking it would have been better for everyone if I hadn't gone to see them. I wouldn't be a burden to them. They wouldn't have to worry about what I'm doing. It would have been better all round if I had followed through with my plan. Why did I go over there. All I've done is drag them into my world. And they don't deserve that. But I don't want either of them to feel bad for what I'm going to do. They have helped me so much over the last 3 months and I don't want them to feel bad. It would be better off for everyone involved if I wasn't here anymore. I'm just sorry I dragged them in. They didn't deserve that. Just like I don't deserve them. They are most kind and caring people I have ever met. And they've had to put up with me for too long. They deserve to get their lives back.

I have my plans. I just need the right time now. I don't see the point in going on. And that should scare me but I'm at peace with it. I know it's going to happen soon. This nightmare will be over.