AmberG

17/04

Had a really hard day. Got a call from the mental health team this morning. Wasn't great news. They won't see me until 5th of may. I tried to explain that I need to see them sooner. But I got nowhere. I was disappointed. But I bumped into mum and dad in Aldi car park. Told them what had happened. And asked if I could go for a chat before I had to go to the vet this afternoon. I tried one last time to ask mum to come with me and I still couldn't get the words out.

Things at the vet went ok. Penny is now on medication which I have to give her every day. I gave it her tonight and thought I had succeeded until I found it on the sofa. Stoopid cat. Attempt number 2. Apart it back out. 3rd time lucky. Gave her loads of treats after that. She deserves them.

Went to get my medication earlier. Mum knew there was something I wasn't saying. She was so patient with me. Didn't try to rush me or force me to talk. She just held my hand and waited. I must have opened my mouth about 100 times to say what it was. I finally got it out after trying to find the words. In the end I just had to close my eyes and say it. I almost did something stupid today. I almost bought a pack of razor blades. She was shocked but said she's happy I told her and she's proud that I didn't. No one's ever been proud of me before. No one has ever cared about me that much before. I never want to leave when I go over there. And mum knows it. I tell her every day.

I said about wanting her to come to the vets. She said she would have done I only had to ask. I wish I had. Because I feel like the vet I saw fobbed me off a bit.

I wish I could snap out of this mood. But it doesn't work like that.

I think I might be repeating myself sometimes. I don't mean to I just get confused. And when something comes into my head I have to get it out.

Like today I was thinking about an old friend. Chelle. She lived in America on the west coast. So I never met her in person but we talked all the time. We met through a game I used to play back in 2010. We got really close. We spent all day talking. Because of the time difference I had to stay up into the night to talk to her. So one day in 2011 I told her I was suicidal and she confessed she felt the same. We talked about it for a couple of days. And in the end we made a pact. We were going to kill ourselves and we planned to do it together. She bought pills and alcohol and so did I. Everything was set. But a friend noticed and he got me to the doctor to get some help. She died because of me and the anniversary is coming up. I talked to Chelle all day everyday for over 4 years. And just like that one day she was gone. I don't think about her too much now. But at this time of year I can't help it. I was trying to talk to mum about it tonight. But it was hard enough telling her about the razor blades. How can I tell her I'm responsible for Chelle's death. Every year I remember and the guilt doesn't get any easier. She's dead because of me. I was forced to get help or I would be dead already. I wish I was. At this point I honestly don't know if I can hold on for almost 3 weeks for my appointment. And that scares me. Not because I'm scared of dying I welcome death. I'm just scared for what it would do to mum and dad. I have to keep trying to fight. For them. They don't need to be attending my funeral because I was too weak to hold on. And it's not because I'm weak. I have been fighting these demons for so long. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting to stay alive. I'm tired because I can't sleep and when I do I get nightmares. And when I don't I still get flashbacks. I'm tired of trying to make sense of everything. I am so close to the edge I feel like I could fall at any second. And I don't care. I have no fight left in me. I am so close to giving up entirely. I may as well.