AmberG

16/04

I am so mad right now. Hootie tootie the horrible woman who has issues with me is at it again. I went out this afternoon and hootie tootie went to see mum. And she said to her "I thought I would come down while the coast was clear" meaning I wasn't there so she knew I wouldn't turn up. What a bitch. I really don't know what her problem is with me. I've never done anything to her. And the only thing I could think of is because she doesn't know anything about me. And it drives her crazy. I told mum next time just say to her "I don't know anything about her and she scares me" we laughed. I really would love mum to say that to her. Because I know she would have to stick her nose in and say something to me. And I'd love to know what she says. What I want to do is get her on her own and corner her somewhere where there isn't CCTV. I'm not saying I'm going to deck her though I would love to knock her out. No I just want to ask her what her problem is. I have no idea. She tried to get me evicted last year. Slagging me off to the landlord. He didn't listen to her. So I will be talking to him next time he's here. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long. I can't put up with her any longer. I'm not gonna have anything to do with her at all. I won't even look at her. I wouldn't even piss on her if she was on fire. Rant over for now. Maybe more soon knowing her.

Had a bit of a nightmare this afternoon. So I was looking for garden furniture and managed to get a free table on Facebook. Went to pick it up. It was about 3 inches too big for my car. We spent half an hour trying all different ways to make it fit. Nothing worked. So I called mum and dad and dad came to my rescue. It was a pain to get it in his car. Like he has a disabled scooter in there for mum and he had to move it to get the table in. I offered him petrol money and he said no he doesn't charge family. I love them both so much. I was really stressing out about the table and didn't know what to do. Dad came to my rescue.

I bought mum some tulips today. Like a lilac colour. To say sorry about yesterday. She loves them. Then I went to a psychic fare and saw these really nice lilac dream catchers so I got one for mum as well. I forgot to take it over with me tonight so I'll have to remember tomorrow. I don't know what is wrong with my memory.

We talked about him again tonight. I said again she has to stop me going back to him. There will come a time when I want to give him another chance and I hope she can talk me down. Because I can't go back to him. He will just put me through the same shit he always did and I can't cope with that anymore. I haven't moved on yet. And there will be ups and downs and sometimes I won't be strong enough to say no. I need mum and dad to make sure I stay away from him.

I'm still not right. Was crying again tonight. Mum just squeezed my hand and let me cry and talk. After I finished crying she asked if I wanted a hug. She knew I did. At least I was ok enough to take my hood down tonight. I hate having to hide under it when I'm with them. That's how they know if I'm really bad. Most of the time when I'm bad I eventually take it down. But there are the times like yesterday when I couldn't come out from under it. Mum never forces me to come out. She understands when I can't. And that makes me hate myself even more. Because I have no need to hide from her. So why do I still do it? I don't know. I think I'm going through a psychotic episode right now. And I don't know what to do about it. I need help. Like serious help. But at the same time I'm scared if I tell the mental health team how I feel they will section me. What do I do?

I wonder how mum would react I'd I told her she's my FP. Like it was him. But now she has taken over. I wasn't expecting that.

Mum offered to talk to him for me. I said I'd think about it. I'm really not sure about it. Like I know she won't be nasty to him or anything like that. But I think she will tell him to leave me alone. And right now I don't want that. But also every time he messages me I get more confused about my feelings for him. Like I won't hear from him for a couple of days. And I'll be ok. Then he will message me and I start feeling all over again. He has this spell on me. And I don't know how to break it. And then I'm crying all over again because I want him so bad but I can't have him. And every time I think about it I'm right back at the start feeling all that pain all over again and I'm crying. And I know mum don't like it and I wish I could just stop feeling for him. I'm so lost. But I know mum won't give up on me. She will never let go of my hand and guiding me home. A few months ago I had no one to really give a shit about me. No one would notice if I disappeared. But now. I have a family who absolutely does notice if I'm not here. I know they all genuinely do care and love me. I never really felt that before. And not with my biological family. I don't know how to accept it. I'm really trying but I just don't know. And I don't want them to get frustrated with me. Like when I keep saying sorry. I can't help it. I feel like if I've done something wrong or disappointed them for some reason I need to keep apologizing for it. It's just how my mind works. If I think I've upset someone I feel really bad about it. Mum keeps telling me not to apologize but I can't control it. All my life I've felt like I wasn't good enough. I tried so hard in everything I did. And then at some point in the mid 2000s everything just changed. I knew I would never be good enough so I gave up trying. I don't apologize like that to just anyone. Like I wouldn't to my biological family. Only to people I really love and when I think I've upset them. Most people can kiss my flat arse. If I upset them od course I feel bad. And I will apologize but only once. Those that I love the most I feel the worst over. And I'm terrified of losing mum because I've done something to upset her. Or hurt her. I'd hate that. And I know sooner or later she's going to snap. Either because I've said or done something. Or because I feel the need to say sorry so much. I'm trying not to but I know how worried she was yesterday. And I still feel bad about it. So I need to say it enough times until I've stopped overthinking it. And I feel so bad still. But I'm going round in circles. I say sorry and she tells me not to. Then I feel bad for saying sorry and say it again. It's like I have this need inside me. I can't explain it but I need to apologize for everything when I'm feeling low. I even apologize for crying that's how bad I am. I don't want mum to get annoyed with me for saying it. But I can't stop. It's like when I used to self harm it was a need to do it. Like I could feel so much pressure and as soon as I cut myself I felt the release and it felt so much better. It got to a point where I was doing it several times a day. I tried to stop but I couldn't. It was Jim who made me stop. He was the first person I opened up to about what happened when I was growing up. He was ex police and knew the questions to ask the my body language and answers. He knew what to ask and look out for to know what I was saying. He promised to never leave me. Then one day he did. The only other person I told was him. He also told me he would never leave and then he too abandoned me. Mum knows too and she told some of it to dad. I don't mind that she did that. Normally I would but he's my dad now so he should know. I just find it so much easier to talk to mum. I've always had a dodgy relationship with men. And I don't know how to be around him sometimes. He has never given me any reason to be scared of him. And it's not that I'm scared I just never had a great relationship with any man. And it's not dad's fault. Even with him my ex we didn't have a great relationship and I see it now. The way he treated me. The way whenever we argued he would somehow make it my fault no matter who started it. Or the way whenever a decision needed to be made it was always up to me to decide. He never once made any decisions. I hate having to make the decisions. Just once it would have been nice for him to take the responsibility of everything. Take control for once.

I need help with my finances. I'm so impulsive when it comes to buying shit. So like I got paid on Friday. I have like £50 of it left. How have I gone through a month's worth of money in 2 day's. Paying the rent took most of it. And to be fair I did pay a lot of it for comic con. The photo shoots were a lot but I think I'm only gonna live once. I'm not coming back to this earth if I can help it. Anyway how often am I going to get the chance to meet people ice followed for years. Like last year in December I met nick frost at comic con. He is my favourite actor and hot Fuzz is my favourite film. So I got a photo shoot with him. I had too. It made a few people jealous lol. And it's a great photo.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm so scared about what the vet's going to say. I feel like it's going to be an expensive visit. I've been trying for the last few days to ask mum if she would come with me. But I couldn't find the right words. And I thought she's already doing enough for me with the doctor visits and the hospital appointments. I just couldn't ask her. And it's too late now