Love, life and loss
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2023-04-16 18:21:43 (UTC)

Heart beats fast

Heart beats fast
Colours and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

This song touched me tonight and I'm not sure why.

Feeling really emotional tonight. Struggling to find any enjoyment or entertainment in anything. Social media is annoying me, the TV is annoying me, my sister is annoying me, Ryan has gone out before that he was pissing me off too. Not being able to get my duvet cover on because such a small thing made my heart go funny wound me up.

Doesnt help that my manager has had a go at me on a sunday evening. Not even a work day. I have a tonne of work to do this evening and just cant face it. Clearly from tonight's conversation nothing I do is good enough so why am i doing it? I've gone from feeling like a confident, knowledgable, valued member of the team to a useless unvalued slave who questions every decision I make and dread sending any piece of work for authorisation as I know shes going to pick fault and pull it apart and make me feel shitter than I already do. Sometimes I think shes just picky as my work has never been criticised before. But now I'm starting to think my old manager was just too laid back to read it and maybe my work has always been shit and I've just not been told. I somehow need to up my game and be more focused to get more done in the time I've got. I'll have to spend a fortune on hotels every night so I can work an extra 3 hours a day instead of waste that time travelling. Cancel my treatment and counselling appts. I dont know how else I can do it. But I have no choice if I want to keep my job and given that I thought the treatment was working but no I think it's not with the amount of times I've needed to go into hospital the last 2 weeks. If it's not worked and I only have a few years left I need to cancel house plans and work my ass off and earn as much as I can so I can pay for my own funeral and leave thousands of £'s with Kelly Amy and Jen to always keep fresh flowers on the garden for my baby girls and the rest will be split between my nieces and nephew.

My emotions are all over tonight and I ont feel great and don't want to work this week. I need to pull myself together and log on for a few hours and hope whatever I manage to type makes a tiny bit of sense

I'm done with tonight


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