Gone mental

Notes from my Black
Ad 2:
2023-04-16 04:13:22 (UTC)

Pick a color, friend

You know those people who you pass and they ask you you are doing? 90% of the time, I actually respond. In fact if you ask something specifically, I will probably answer specifically, because that is the kind of friend I want to be. It is the kind of friend I want to be friends with too. I want them to be real.

So when… Linda asked me about ky publishing journey, since we had had frank talks in the past, I pulled off the bandaids and answered boldly and honestly. It’s not a secret it’s not going well. I sell a trickle of books and that business is definitely not paying for itself, and I don’t draw a wage from it at all. There is a group of other authors that claim you can’t make a living until you publish 20 books. Well, since it cost me close to 12k to publish one book, I can’t imagine spending close to 250k to finally make a living.

Anyway, I expected a response. Anything. 🦗

Alas there is this recurring Rick theme in my life. Rick is just someone I used to know... who absolutely could not be bothered to show up for me in any way, although he claimed I be a great friend. I show up for people and they don’t reciprocate. Very few people do this I guess. Maybe I messed up or maybe it’s just my expectations. If I messed up, tell me and I’ll do better. I may have issues, but I get them out. I try to acknowledge them and I try to impact my life with change to be a better me. If it is ny expectations and you see they are out of whack, fill me in. I don’t ask for extra care or even being gentle. I just ask that you are real.

So when my Linda couldn’t be bothered to respond at all, I had a perspective shift. She is no longer an equal and worth respect. She is like an onion. Very few nutrients and takes more energy to eat than it gives you. She’s an onion.

So I named this entry pick a color, friend… I named it that because people are an array of everything and whether coming or going in, out or hanging for a while or the duration, they have their own color. How solid a friend determines their color. What kind of friend determines their hue, tint or shade. Linda is apparently a very pale and translucent chartreuse. One, she’s arrogant and that doesn’t sit well with me. Two she hasn’t shown me she is worthy of a color with any weight.

Since I have synesthesia, these things make perfect sense to me. Color equates to taste and feeling. So what color do you want to show up to be in your life? Nobody else may think of the world this way, it the concept is there and how we all show up to others is important. I’m pretty tired of these translucent people.

I’ll stop talking now. Pretty sure no one is going to get this far regardless. It’s late and I ramble at these hours.