Amber's ramblings
2023-04-15 20:35:08 (UTC)


So I feel like a bag of shit.

Hardly any sleep last night and everything was so loud in my head. I thought I could run away from it. So I just got in the car and drove. I played the music loud and tried to drown out the voices. I don't know where I went and I don't know what I was thinking. I just had no control. I drove and drove. I don't know where I ended up. I got home around 4. Mum was worried and I feel crap about it. I didn't know what to say to her when I got back. I kept saying sorry. And she kept telling me not to. I cried and she sat with me in silence until I could talk. I couldn't come out from under my hood. I tried a few times. The worst thing is she wasn't even angry with me. I don't deserve her. I honestly don't.

I thought I was loosing my mind. And it was so early this morning I couldn't go and see mum. She would have been able to calm me down. She always knows how. But I was scared. I really was going out of my mind. The voices were all talking and the thoughts were spinning around at a million miles an hour. I couldn't think I just needed to get away from them.

Been messaging him tonight. He said he still wants to meet up in the summer. I told him what happened broke my heart and I can't go through that again. And while I'm still hurting I can't make plans to meet him. I will discuss it with mum tomorrow. She won't let me go back to him. The problem is I would go back to him. I thought I was getting over him. So why is the thought even crossing my mind. I'm so confused right now.