Amber's ramblings
2023-04-13 19:07:58 (UTC)


Well mum came with me to see the doctor this afternoon. It went better than I thought. She called the mental health team while I was there and she was really pushy and they eventually agreed to see me. So hopefully I'll get an appointment next week. I didn't realise how worried mum was about me. But she was so relieved when the doctor said they'd see me. We sat in the car after and she let me cry on her. I got her wet. She didn't mind.

I got home and was sick. I think it was the stress and anxiety about today. The doctor asked me if I had plans to hurt myself. Both mum and me said yes. I planned to pull over on the motorway and step out Infront of a lorry. That's still my back up plan. But hopefully things will get sorted now. And they will get me on the right medication. It's obviously not working now. I'm just glad someone is finally listening to me. I told mum if it wasn't for her I would have given up a long time ago. I don't think she realises just how close I came a few times. She said she's glad I went to see her that day. I'm glad too. I honestly don't know what I was expecting when I went to her that day. I'm so glad she took me in and let me cry and tell her what was wrong. I haven't looked back since. It's like I'm part of that family now.

Before we left I popped over to see if she was still coming with me. Of course she knew I needed a hug and she gave me one. I really never had that with my biological mum. I remember at my dad's funeral I went to her and she pushed me aside. I'm glad I've finally got a mum who loves me. Blood means nothing. Real family are the ones who love you like their own. If she came to me and said I need to hide a body I would help her. Honestly if she wanted someone taken out I would. Family are supposed to look out for eachother not run them down. Mum has shown me that. I've always been private. I don't give much away about myself. But suddenly I have parents who care and I tell them everything. I was never able to go to my biological parents for any help or advice. I just had to hide how I was feeling and pretend everything was fine. And I did it well. Even back in 2011 when I had a major breakdown they didn't know.

I believe everything happens for a reason. And we may not always know what the reason is at the time. But eventually it all makes sense. So before I moved here I had another place. And I moved in and everything was ok. Then the next day I had the landlord on the phone screaming at me about how I was going to pay the rent. The day after that I had to run for my life because they chased me away. 2 massive women were at my door threatening me. I just had time to grab penny and go. I was homeless then for 3 months staying on my niece's sofa. I was pretty shaken up but alive. I lost everything. Then I found this place. And I was shy and quiet and didn't interact much with people here. I was terrified of it happening again. I would say hello and general chat but I kept myself to myself I didn't want trouble again. But I found my new family here. And I know what happened was a blessing in disguise. I never would have been happy at that other place. But I love it here. This was supposed to be a temporary solution until I could get a place in town. But I love it here and I never want to move. Most of the people here are great. There is a couple who I don't want anything to do with. But apart from them everyone else is ok.

I wouldn't say I'm happy about what happened. But I think it had to happen for me to come here. I was desperate when I came to look at the place. And yes it's a caravan park but we have a nice community here. The landlord is a pain sometimes but he's hardly ever here anymore. He comes up from time to time. I need to see him next time he's here. I don't know when that will be but I really need to talk to him. The couple I mentioned have proper been spying on me and I've had enough. It got to the point where I didn't want to go and see mum and dad because they were watching me and trying to find out my business. What's it got to do with them anyway. And they don't like it because no one's telling them anything. They need to keep their noses out of my business. So yeah I'm going to talk to the landlord when he's up next.

Going shopping with mum tomorrow. It should be a good day. Now I'm getting the help I need I have less anxiety. So things should get better now. I hope so anyway.

Had nightmares last night. I woke up crying. I hate nights like that. I'd rather not dream at all than have these nightmares. It was horrible. I've been trying not to think about it all day.

Been talking to him tonight. He's trying to set me up with someone. I don't know why. I told him I don't want anyone else. I'm not 100% over him yet. And I don't know if I ever will be. He said he doesn't want me to be because we're going to be meeting again. I asked him how we can be together. He saw the message and ignored it. He has no answer. So what am I supposed to do? And mum and dad won't let me. After what happened they are not even happy about me still talking to him.

Last weekend was Easter and mum got me an egg. Which was lovely. But I found out that it was the same one she got all her other kids. I definitely feel like part of the family.