Life of secrets
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2023-04-13 06:18:26 (UTC)


During the Easter holiday, I went for afternoon tea with my mum and grandmother. Then visited my grandads grave. I never really know what to do at the cemetery. There’s nowhere to sit, so I sort of just stand over his grave, which is quite bare. No one’s bothered to stick a tombstone on top so he’s just got a wooden cross and a fake flower pillow I got him. I sort of imagine what I’d do if I was visiting him for real. I never ever got him flowers and I don’t think he’d truly appreciate them, so I feel a bit weird leaving flowers on the grave. I do remember he had this pillow for years and years - it looked so old and it was lumpy, yet he’d still sleep with it. So when he passed I got him the flower pillow. I did leave a lantern there but that seems to have gone and somehow I don’t think it was the birds.

Standing over the grave, I look up and see hundreds of others. It’s so weird to think that there are all these bodies in the ground. There’s just patches of earth, full of bodies, around the world. And I begin to think, it’s weird that we bury people when we die. It feels unnatural. Yet we do it. We just get on with it, and do it. Susan dies and we just…. stick her in the ground. We hide everyone.

I’ve been an absolute mess this week. Ovulating. Ovulation feels like the new period. I get all pms-y and emotional and to be honest, find it hard to cope with myself. He hasn’t been in the mood to have sex which didn’t help matters. And yet I told myself I wouldn’t think about all of this until June. I lasted one month. He fell asleep early last night and I was sitting there, knickers full of my body screaming I’M FERTILE KNOCK ME UP (I know, so gross) and there was nothing I could do about it. We’d had sex 5 or 6 days before - too long ago for his little soldiers to still be alive and swimming. So I figured I’m going to just have to forget it and have no hope of conceiving this month. Went to bed. He woke me at 1.30am for sex. So maybe there’s a chance I caught ovulation. Maybe. I’ve not been tracking (ok fine I gave in and used my last 3 test strips 2 days ago - and none of them were positive), so I actually don’t know when ovulation is. But going by my body, I feel like ovulation happened yesterday or today. Like right now.

He’s got another interview today. And tomorrow. Here’s to hoping to finds a job he likes. For the sake of him being in a better mood, at least.