Amber's ramblings
2023-04-11 21:02:57 (UTC)

11/04 pm

I've been up and down all day. Pretty down at the moment. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. All I keep thinking is just hold on till Thursday. I'm not expecting the doctor to be able to help. She has tried but the mental health team won't help. What am I supposed to do? I have done everything I can. I have done what they wanted me to do. If I don't get the help I need this time I will tell them my suicide is on them. I'm trying to hold on but I can feel myself slipping. I'm loosing my grip. On life and reality. Nothing is making sense right now.

Dick head Derick has been messaging me again tonight. I've had to block him. He was driving me crazy. Gonna show mum the messages tomorrow. She could do with a laugh.

I want to lock myself away and hide from the world. I want to disappear. Pretty sure the only people who would notice is mum and dad. And that's only because I go over there every evening to collect my medication. If it wasn't for that . . .

I don't know. I'm sure it's just in my head. But what if it isn't? Mum said to me the other day I should go and see her when I need her. My head won't let me. I feel like I bother them. I don't want it to get to the point where they start to think "what does she want now" I know I'm paranoid and I need a lot of reassurance. It's how my mental health works. I always feel like people get annoyed with me. Like that's why they abandon me. And I'm trying to believe that they're different. I want to believe they are. Just at the moment it's so hard. I need to get my head right and I don't know how.

When I was little my favourite story was Cinderella. I always dreamed that one day my prince would come and save me. Now that I'm an adult I know that's bollocks. Until I met him. I thought he was the one. He made me believe he was. He promised me he would never let me go. And then he did. And left me broken 💔. I don't think I can go through this again. I've had enough. I'm gonna die alone.

I often wonder why people have kids if they don't want them. I grew up knowing I wasn't wanted. My biological parents couldn't give a shit about me. Always telling me I wasn't wanted. And threatening to put me into care. So why when I went into care did they do everything they could to get me back. I guess it didn't make them look too good. And why when I was in care did they still have control over what I did. They made it impossible for me. I wasn't allowed to see my friends. Why did my social worker go along with that and let them dictate what I could and couldn't do. I don't understand it. I was a vulnerable child trying to get away from the abuser's and yet they had full control over me. It's not right. No one listened to me then like no one listens to me now. It's like I don't have a voice. I didn't then and I don't now. I'm just glad mum will be with me to speak up when I can't.