Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2023-04-10 05:26:08 (UTC)

Egg day

I couldn’t sleep last night even though I was alone. My watch claims I got 5.7 hours. I don’t believe it. I’ve fooled it before, but that’s another story.

The morning started as you’d expect. I call my mom. I avoid my sister and my other sister responds to a text I sent the day before by loving the message. I didn’t text the other sister and it’s unlikely I will ever bond with her again, but that’s even another thing.

Her mom was to come over and give out son something to celebrate Easter. He spent much of the morning not feeling well and made it worse by throwing a fit that about shut me down. It’s the only way to survive. Disassociate, turn off my brain… donit or the anger boils. It may not be his fault he feels like shit, but regardless of his circumstance, his self harm and aggression paired with his intent to hurt this house, makes it hard to feel joy, much less other basic happy type thoughts.

So the mother in law didn’t come. Maybe tomorrow. I have stuff to do and she blows the day, but I will play nice and make the day pleasant.

When I talked to my mom she said she was going to sell her house and revamp the garage at my sister’s house so she could live there… at the request of my sister- the one I will continue to not seek conversations. It’s hard for me to understand why at her old age she wants to abandon her life. I know all her friends have moved or died… and I guess I need to be ok with her dying too, but not believing in afterlife is part of me. When she dies, that’s it. I love her.

Speaking of, She decided to take a trip down memory lane today. On this trip, she reflected on how shitty my family was and how I resemble them.

Easter is supposed to be about rebirth in Christianity. Cleansing and healing and forgiveness right? Well the theme thrown at me today not that. She claims she has a greater understanding of my mom and why she told her decades ago to let me be a man. The thing is, that’s not what She wants. She wants me to always be wrong and inept without her.

Idk… this is long enough and I am finding myself pecking away a laundry list of irritations again.


Oh. I saw someone from my old diary messaged me. If they ever see this and I chose to not respond (undecided) it’s because they chose to have a completely one sided friendship with me and I decided to cull the people who could not be real with me.