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So this morning I was so close to the edge. I needed a hug so I went to see mum using the excuse that I needed pain killers. As soon as she saw me she knew what I needed. She brought me back from the edge. I felt better after.
Went for a drive up to the hills. There were too many people up there. Couldn't park because the carparks were full. It seems everyone had the same idea as me. It's normally lovely up there but not when there are people everywhere. I don't like people. I keep my circle tiny. I can count on one hand the people I let into my life. I can tell mum anything and she understands. She never judges me and she knows me and she always knows when I just need a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold. I feel safe with her. Even when my mind wants to kill me.
I have no idea what I'm doing this week. Tomorrow and Tuesday I have nothing planned. But the rest of the week I do. Doctor on Thursday then I'm going shopping with mum on Friday. Nothing Saturday but Sunday I'm going to a psychic fare. Hopefully get some perspective on my life. I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Most of the time I'm just winging it.
We had a bit of a fire pit this evening after I got back from collecting my meds. It was nice but I was thinking about Jim. I miss him. He was a good friend. I don't know why he stopped talking to me. I don't know what I did wrong. Obviously it was something. The last time I saw him we were in the garden having a few drinks. He started kissing me and I didn't stop him. I know that's probably why he stopped talking to me. And it feels like it was my fault. I was in love with him and he knew it. I think his girlfriend might have had something to do with it. He deleted me on Facebook and changed his number. It took me a few months to get over it but every so often I catch myself thinking about him.
Talking about men that let me down I haven't heard from him for a while. He messaged me on Friday saying he misses me. I don't know how I feel now. I was madly in love with him but after what happened I'm slowly getting over him. I'm not thinking about him as much now. I do need to move on. And there is someone I want to see if anything will happen with. I'm thinking about just casually asking them if they want to go for a coffee with me away from everyone else.