Amber's ramblings
2023-04-03 20:10:09 (UTC)


Is it bedtime yet? I'm cold and tired but I know if I go to bed now I'll be awake by 11 and unable to sleep for the rest of the night.

I still feel like I want to disappear. Apart from the parents I don't think anyone else would even notice. Talking of the parents I was talking to my niece about them. I said they have treated me more like parents than my actual real parents. My real parents didn't give a shit. They criticised me and put me down all the time. I'm like meg in family guy except I was treated worse.

I've got a family gathering coming up and I don't even know if I want to go. The way I feel right now I don't want to go. I'll have to see closer to the time how I feel. Family gatherings give me anxiety and I really can't be bothered. But if I don't go they will be talking about me. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can take someone with me. I want to but I'll have my niece and her kids in the car so there won't be room for anyone else. I wish I had a bigger car to fit more people in. Then I could go to the family gathering and take a friend with me so I don't feel so Ganged up on

So I called mind today. That was a waste of time. I knew they wouldn't be able to do anything but the mental health team said I had to go there. Well at least I can say I tried. When I go back to the doctor next week I will tell her straight. Get them to sort my medication or I'm ending it. If I get nowhere this time I really will be left with no other choice. To get the help I need I will need to attempt suicide again. I don't want to go down that road but really I'm left with no other option. I don't ask for help. I never know how. I am so used to figuring things out on my own I don't ask when I need help. But I did this time and look what's happening. I'm hitting a dead end at every turn. So what's the point. I've tried. Mum tried. There's nothing else I can do. No one is listening to me. I'm done.

I was 13 when I met Justin and my parents had an issue with him from the start. They didn't want me seeing him and I think it was because he made me happy. I lost my virginity to him about a month before I turned 14. We weren't careful and I got pregnant. I never told anyone. I was scared and alone. Just after that I went into care. A few weeks after I got to the children's home I got in an argument with a kid called Danny and he kicked me in the stomach. I blame him for loosing my baby. But at the same time I was in care and I never would have been allowed to keep him. He would have been taken off me and adopted. I would have been a good mother if I had been given the chance. When I was 16 I was back at home and it was a few days after Christmas and I got out of bed and went downstairs. I knew something was wrong and my dad asked me if I was still seeing Justin. I had to deny it because I knew if I said yes they would have kicked off. Anyway I said no and my dad said good because he's dead. And that was it. The first time my world fell apart. I found out after what had happened. He was at home on Christmas Day and there were 3 men and 2 girls in his bedsit. The 3 men started beating him up. Jumping on his head. Then they left to go and find more drugs. And instead of calling for an ambulance the 2 girls cleaned the blood up because they didn't want anyone getting into trouble for it. The 3 guys went back to finish him off. He was in a coma and died on the 27th December. I couldn't face his funeral and I didn't know when it was. I regret it but I was so young. I didn't want to date anyone else after that. And I don't think I ever got over what happened. He was my first proper boyfriend and I miss him. I'm not saying that we would still be together now but we never got the chance.