Amber's ramblings
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2023-04-02 21:23:47 (UTC)


Why are Sundays so boring? Nothing to do on a Sunday. Even less when you've got no money.

Went to get my medication earlier and I had to fight so hard not to cry. I'm just thinking about so many things that I shouldn't be thinking of. But I keep getting the flashbacks and then I'm thinking about what I saw. There isn't a pill to stop me thinking. I could turn to alcohol but that isn't the answer. I wish people would listen to me. I feel like the only person taking me seriously is mum. She's doing her best to pull me through and I feel like I'm letting her down by not getting better. I want to get better I don't want to keep crying on her shoulder when things go wrong. But I've tried getting help and no one wants to see me. I have a phone call to make tomorrow in a last ditch attempt to get the help. If this fails I'm seriously going to have to rethink my options.

When I was 16 I had my first suicide attempt. Ok was living in a badsit on my own it wasn't much but it was freedom. And it was mine. Something happened and I was about to be kicked out. It meant that I would have to go back to my family and that was the last thing I wanted to do. So I took a load of pills. Got taken to hospital in an ambulance and someone called my parents. Killing myself was a much better option than going back to that house and the family who abused me in so many different ways. I didn't want to go back. I really couldn't but I had no choice.

My parents were never there for me. Parents evening. School plays. Sports days. They couldn't be bothered. It was so bad they didn't even bother taking me to school I got a taxi. There was this one time I really wanted them to be there. It was a school production we all worked really hard on. It was the last thing we were doing at primary school before we moved up to secondary school. The evening arrived and they didn't want to take me. I was the only child there without someone with them. I tried not to let it bother me and I should have been used to it by then. But I stupidly thought they would want to be there. I started getting into trouble at school when I about 12/13. I couldn't be bothered. I was being bullied and one day my brother attacked me. I went to see my form tutor and he had ago at me and sent me away. So after that I didn't feel settled at school. And I got into so much trouble. And every time I got suspended my parents would argue about who had to go to the school and sort it out. I wasn't a troublemaker I just wanted one person to see me and know something else was going on. But no one took the time. So at 13 I was sent to a school for kids who got in trouble a lot. I hated it at first but apart from my first day there which didn't go well when an 18 year old boy attacked me. After that first day I was ok. I made friends and settled in. I loved it there. They didn't worry too much about school work and we went on day trips. I didn't want to leave at 16 but I had to.