Amber's ramblings
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2023-04-01 20:59:16 (UTC)


Happy April fools day.

Took the car to get washed. They didn't do a very good job this time. I've still got bird poop on my window. But the rest of it was ok. The firefighters looked happy and full of smiles at me. Nice. I could have taken one of them home with me. Have to wait until next year now for their next one.

Had a good evening with the parents. Lots of laughs again. They don't understand how much I love them. And how much I appreciate everything they do. I really feel like I should have been born into that family. They have all been more like family than most of my own. My own family didn't treat me right when I was growing up. I remember when I was about 14 I was talking to a teacher at school about divorcing my parents. We were joking about it but part of me wondered if it could happen. I tried my hardest to get my family to love me. I never heard the words I love you. Not that I will but if I ever have kids I would say it to them everyday.

I'm so disappointed I never had the chance to be a mum. After what happened when I was 14 I never got the chance again. I'm a childless mother. I have niece's and nephews who I love like my own. But it's not the same. I discussed having a baby with him. And he was all for it. Kept telling me his count was high and I would get pregnant. That was a lie or I would have. I feel like it's too late now. I'm never going to find the right man to have one with in time. I came to terms with it a long time ago. I don't know why I'm upset about it now. It just hits me sometimes and I get emotional.

On my 8th birthday I was at home playing with the new toy my oldest sister got me. My mum was out my dad was looking after us. He called me over. I don't know what I did but I didn't want to go. I was so slow walking over to him but then my brother laughed and it made me feel better so I laughed back. My dad then hit me so hard I was knocked to the floor. To this day I have no idea what I did wrong. He was just an arsehole.

So I have trust issues because of that. Well that and other stuff that was happening.

When I was 22 I met this guy at work. I was working at a train station and he was the security. So one weekend we met and instead of doing his job he spent the two days talking to me in the shop. I kept making him coffee because it was cold outside. And he had to keep going out to do a quick check. Anyway a week later he asked me on a date. Obviously I said yes he was cute and friendly and really sweet. I don't know how long after that he proposed. It wasn't long. I think it was only a week or 2. I was shocked but heard myself say yes. I don't think I loved him at this point but I thought he could be my prince come to rescue me. Cinderella was my favourite story when I was little. I believed in happy endings. I thought he could be mine. I introduced him to my parents who didn't like him. Told me not to marry him. Which made me even more determined to marry him and get out of that house. It was the little things that got to me. He was so sweet but after a drink he changed. 2 of my friends told me not to marry him. They told me he was a violent alcoholic. I didn't listen. But he did change. I could have coped with the violence so he'd beat me up sometimes. I grew up with that so I could have dealt with it. It was the lying I couldn't handle. He was a compulsive lire. He told me so many lies he couldn't remember what story he had told me. Like he had a girl's name tattooed on his arm. He said it was his daughter. At the time I believed him. A few weeks later we were talking about kids and he said he didn't have any. We booked the church and had a nice conversation with a guy at the church. He helped the vicker. After that we started making arrangements. I was looking at dresses and he was looking at suits. The usual stuff. Anyway one day he was supposed to meet me in town and he didn't show up. I tried calling him but nothing. I waited for over an hour for him but he just didn't come. So I went home and tried to call again this time someone answered. He said he was a doctor at the hospital and Andy has collapsed at work and had been rushed in and was in the ICU. I freaked out. Told the doctor to tell him I was coming. The hospital he was in was about 40 minute drive. And I didn't drive. But I knew people who would take me. Anyway something didn't feel right. The voices were all talking at once telling me something was wrong. So I called the hospital and the woman on reception looked 3 times and said no one has been admitted to ICU that day. When I finally got hold of him he sounded rough. But I didn't believe him. And I was right. He told me he was at the pub with his mates and they all thought it would be hilarious to prank me like that. So I had to call off the wedding. I need to be clear about one thing. He did change after a drink but he never laid a finger on me. He may have been violent but not to me. Though I know that would have changed after the wedding. Lucky escape