Amber's ramblings
2023-03-28 19:14:07 (UTC)


Is it Friday yet?

I will get through this week. I will not do anything stupid while they are away. It would ruin their holiday. And as bad as I feel right now I can't do it to them. They deserve this holiday.

I spoke to him last night. A few messages back and forth. He told me I didn't need help I just needed to think positive. If it was that fucking easy I would have done it already. Just think positive. Wow thanks for that I feel so much better now. Why didn't I think of that before. All my problems have been solved. That's one thing I didn't like about him. He didn't understand depression. He was brilliant with everything else. He understood my EUPD and what I can be like. And he never walked away. Until now. He was always my go to no matter how bad I was feeling. He just never understood my depression. He loved the highs. But he didn't know how to deal with the lows. And he would make me worse. I wish he could understand it. And how his actions triggered my episode this time. And now I've hit rock bottom and I can't find my way out. I do have a plan on how to get the help but I won't do it yet. I will see how I feel on Sunday.

I feel so lost. Like I'm just floating along. It can't be because the parents are away. There has to be another reason. I just don't know what. Maybe it is because of him. I don't want it to be because of him. But I think it might be. I still feel like that when I don't talk to him. I can't believe I'm never going to see him again. If I had known the last time I saw him would be the last time I would never have let him go. I guess it's good we don't know the future. Even though I knew this day would come. I knew he would walk away sooner or later. I wish it had been sooner. It wouldn't have hurt as much as it does. I feel like he played me. Like he knew he would never choose me. Yet he made me believe he would. He always said he would.

I'm trying not to think about him. But today was a bad day and I miss him. I miss being able to talk to him. I hate that I can't go to him like I used to. He's no longer there for me. And why am I crying? I'm mad not upset. I hate that I cry over everything these days.