Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2023-03-28 11:58:16 (UTC)

The devotion

Disclaimer: this post is exclusively about masterbation. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I don’t talk about this much, but it is a part of my life. Typically several times a week… but I’ve been on my own respite for a while, about 3 weeks. When I was in my 20’s I was far more sexually active, and sometimes I’d prep myself for the potential of intimacy by off loading cargo, pre- date. I thought it helped me perform better. It probably did.

So the reason I decided to test myself with this self imposed hands off approach was because I’ve been trying to better this relationship. We’ve started communicating better by using this relationship app, but nothing was better physically. So, why were we not, are we not having sex?

We’ve been working on the relationship a long time, the app is a newer installation. My thought was, if I refrain, it will push me to be more active physically with her. That’s NOT what happened. I got tense. I got stand offish. I was frustrated with the lack of any touch. I got negative. What the hell???!!! Not the plan.

So yesterday I had a moment and the moment had me. By the end of the day, I was getting kissed like that kind of kiss that pulls you into desire type of kiss. Now I knew she was on her period and that meant no more advanced of deposit, and maybe that’s part of it. Maybe she wasn’t really wanting to, and she knew she had an easy out. Btw, that rule of no sexual while on is her rule imposed and reinforced a few times years ago. Rules become hard and fast laws when you are with someone this long.

So what gives? Was I more interested in sex after masterbating or was she more into just the idea of sex because she was on her period and knew we wouldn’t be fulfilling anything?

All I can say is I went to bed wishing it wasn’t my night to watch our son. I may have pulled a full on two-fer from the want I had. The first one yesterday just woke me up.