rotten

bubbles bubbles all the troubles

i'm so tired. sooooo fucking tired! and i'm always tired, so if i feel the need to mention that i'm tired, i'm truly exhausted. i realize another week has gone by since my last entry - even thinking about writing has been too overwhelming. everything has been too overwhelming. i requested two addresses on postcrossing almost four weeks ago, and i still haven't gotten around to sending those cards! super embarrassing, i really hope they'll still make it to their destinations within the 60 days period... i haven't called my grandma in *ages* either, she must be so mad. which in turn, i'm ngl, makes me a bit irritated; it's not like she's called me. sometimes i wonder if she knows how the phone works. at least she doesn't know how adhd works - i wouldn't mind chatting with her every single day, i'm just not one to make the call. it just doesn't happen. and i've explained this time and time again, sooo. idk. why is maintaining relationships so damn hard for me? is it the same for everyone? i still haven't gotten back to t either, and it's almost been HALF A YEAR? ju has waited a week, and i don't even remember when it was that i started recording back to p... k(! i gotta learn his new name damn it) and ended the note with "i'm gonna continue soon" - but that never happened. and i mean, i do consider this diary as my way of keeping in touch with myself, so i've been too tired to even do that. it sucks. there's other things on my to do -list on top of socializing and the postcards: i should pay a few bills, make an announcement on paja's discord, figure shit out for the collective bday party thing we have next week, do the dishes and vacuum, wash at least five loads of laundry... there's a pile of library books to be read, w's fur should be brushed daily now and i haven't done it even once, i should go through my clothes and take like half of them downstairs / get rid of some, pot a few plants, refill my pill dispenser... and i just. can't. all i wanna do is sleep til the end of time. ok, enough complaining for now.

this week was ...eventful, i guess. on monday i had the long-awaited appointment with my neuropsychiatrist. it did NOT go well and i was super bummed about it the whole day. i hadn't slept at all, but i was feeling rather okay when i got there - that didn't last long. my brain was foggy and suddenly i had no idea what i wanted to say. whatever he asked me, i replied with "i don't know" and some mumbling. it was ridiculous; before i left home that morning i recorded to m1 and it was all clear to me. things i needed, things i wanted to bring up, things i knew he would ask me. and i spent over 1.5 hours there! yet we got nowhere. he was facing some technical issues too though, but it was mostly me being all over the place that ruined the meeting. i also cried a lot, but that might've actually been a positive thing - i haven't shown him much emotion before. he's quite phlegmatic, and i don't know how to react to that. i feel like most of the time he instantly believes the things i say, doesn't need a ton of convincing like most doctors do. and he writes things down exactly as i've told them; AND in a way that makes them sound factual, none of that damn sceptical sounding "the patient says, that..." -bullshit. the thing is, i'm not used to this. being able to count on him is hella weird, and the trust does not come naturally. i'm still suuuper stressed out every time we meet, i still don't know how to communicate. my brain's like forever set to '"trying to figure out whether i need to convince him i'm actually struggling OR that i'm not gonna kill myself in two hours" -mode, like it always is with mental health professionals. it's a fine line... i feel like verbally i do okay, usually -it's just that my delivery tends to be the kind that's (apparently) difficult to take seriously. i guess i'm too calm, seem too careless and like i'm doing just fine, no matter how much i'm actually struggling. i hate that, but i can't help it. that's why i think it might've been a good thing i was so damn tired this time that i cried and cried and made no sense, lmao - perhaps for once it seemed like my behavior matched the things i said? he seemed to be surprised when i, once again, mentioned that i don't really care for being alive. he also asked me if i had any dreams, what i wanted from my life - he's asked before, and the answer's always been the same. i don't see the point of having dreams, when pretty much everything i might want would require a damn miracle. it's not realistic, so it's not worth my time and energy. i'm not looking to set myself up for any more dissappointments and/or failures. there's enough of those without me deliberately creating more, hah.

when i told him i've felt nauseous for over 18 years now, nonstop, he said it's not normal. i asked how is it not, when i never sleep? i don't think it'd be possible to *not* be nauseous all the time when you sleep as little as i do. he also said i looked pale (yes, after i had told him i hadn't slept in like three days. maybe he's not the sharpest pencil in the case after all...) and wanted me to go and have my blood drawn, to check everything-that-has-to-do-with-iron-and-shizz - and i went!! i can't believe it, but i did. on friday. only took me four days! imagine that. wow. i must say i'm very proud of myself, i still haven't gotten the white blood cell count controlled and i've been meaning to do that for over a year now, so... four days, that's some truly impressive shit. anyway, the doc suspected i might have some issues with my gut, and prescribed me esomeprazole for the possible silent reflux. i'm only now remembering this btw, i only took it (ok, i took the ones i already had) the first two days and then forgot all about it... i gotta get back on that. i gotta go and get these particular ones from the pharmacy, damn it. he's gonna call me in a week and i'd rather not have to say i forgot all about it. OK, back to the more important stuff. we decided to go for double therapy - trauma psychotherapy the psychophysical physiotherapy. we're applying for both as 'intensive medical rehabilitation' - but i'm pretty sure kela won't grant me any of it. i should be like, psychotic to get it. but we're gonna try, i guess; i should fill in an application, but i don't wanna. i hate those damn things! trying to explain to some happy, neurotypical upper middle class idiot somewhere why my life is shit, compared to something i've never experienced ("normal life"). how am i supposed to do that? do i write some bs like "i imagine life could and would and should be like this and that and bla bla bla, but mine is not like that, so i think i need therapy", or...? what the hell. i wish i could just write the truth; that i don't get how on earth there are *any* people who want to be alive, who like their lives, who are looking forward to things other than death.

i don't know how to feel about the appointment anymore. right after i felt like crying, and i kinda still do, but idk. there's too much for me to do. on tuesday my adhd rehab lady was supposed to visit me, it was supposed to be our last meeting ever, but then... few hours before she texted me saying that my rehab period had ended & closed off somehow, that she couldn't reopen it and therefore they couldn't charge the appointment from kela, so she wasn't able to make it. that whole thing has kinda been a shitshow for what it comes to it ending - the first time, when the 28 meet-ups were about to be done, the employee changed before the very last one, and there was over a month's delay. and now this... i'm not surprised though. but it sucks that she made the appointment before checking. we could've met earlier if only she would've checked it out. it was right after the np's appt on monday, so i spent yet another day being completely bummed out. i had planned on visiting 'ohjaamo' on tuesday, but didn't. i also didn't reply to anyone's messages that whole day... but! later in the evening sa came for a visit, so that i could get my dishes done, and i did. it was super lovely of her, and i really appreciated it. we played yatzy (duhhh) and later in the evening went grocery shopping before i took her home. on wednesday i went to the paja again, and then i actually made it to 'ohjaamo' too. turns out there isn't much they can do for me there, as i don't actually live in tre. but i did get myself a 'kaiku' card - now i can go to a bunch of museums etc. for free, until the end of this year. so that's cool, i can't wait to visit the moomin museum (for the first time), the gaming museum (again) and allll the others. there's a bunch of shit to do in other cities too, i might even finally get my ass to 'heureka'... either way, most of the advice i got requires action from me, and as i've mentioned a thousand times by now, i haven't gotten anything done. on thursday i did nothing except for being depressed. on friday je visited me; we drank coffee and discussed the makeup look for one of her cosplays - and played some yatzy, ofcourse.

today (yesterday) we (me and sa, je was there too with her husband) visited a comics festival - there were SO many people there, i felt like i was gonna suffocate to death. it reminded me of my teenage years; people with colorful hair, wearing weird outfits or in cosplay. it had been a whiiile since i last went to a con. i can't even remember the last time, but it must've been almost 15 years ago. that's insane too, how am i this old??? anyway. we waited in line for a long time, to get into an auditorium where an AMV competition was held. i enjoyed it a lot more than i thought i would, and only left halfway through because sa wasn't feeling it; the music was good (except for maybe two songs) and everyone who had made it to the finals were clearly talented editors. after we left the auditorium we roamed the artist alleys on both floors - some people are so mind-blowingly talented, it's insaaaaane. i only bought one magnet though, but i'm really happy with it and tbh i couldn't afford anything more. comics aren't my main thing, but i enjoyed the event and circling the tables filled with stickers, prints, postcards, magnets and other stuff! sure, i bet it would've been more interesting if i could really understand any of it, but y'know. it was still cool. overwhelming though, as it was very, very crowded everywhere all the time - there's no way i would've survived a whole day of that, and certainly not *two* days! we met up with mi afterwards, at the cafe on the other side of the road. we went to another cafe tho, to... play yatzy. YES i admit, i (we) have issues, but i'm sure we'll eventually get tired of the game - or then we won't. doesn't look like it, lmao. anyway, sa and mi got along well and we had a nice time, even though each of us was tired as hell. when the second cafe closed we walked to the city center and went to a burger place for some nuggets, and some more yatzy. around seven-ish we all went home. even tho i invited mi over, i'm glad she needed a night for herself, as i was dead tired when i got home. i took w out and immediately went to bed, fell asleep with all the makeup on and everything. didn't last long though - that's why i'm here now, writing this. but i am gonna try and sleep some more, and actually i'm gonna do that now. this entry is already too long... tomorrow sa is coming over again, and we'll probably ... play yatzy, lmao.